Pseudo-phobia

I'm going to have to learn a new balancing act this year. I want to do so much and as the saying goes, "there's so little time". It's 1:06 am and I'm just sitting here. Wide awake. I want to sleep but all I can think of is the phone call I'm going to get in eight hours.

I know I have a new fear. Ever since I started cold calling office numbers, I thought I'd never be able to get a word in edgewise about how capable I am as a potential for "so-and-so company" or team. Now that the hurdle's been jumped over, my next wave of panic goes out to the actual interview!

Alright maybe it's not a new fear. Public speaking has always been at the bottom of my list of things to do. I had to get over it when my parents ushered me to my first piano recital and my teachers hammered the key tips to perfecting a presentation in front of a panel of judges. I should be over it by now. The preparations are different I suppose. Has anyone ever prepped a 3rd grader for a job interview? You'd have my vote for it being mandatory.

It just gives me a pang of anxiety right now. At least it's a phone interview.

I learned that I'm a complete statue when it comes to face-to-face interaction sometimes. I just want a tape recording of my facial expressions to see how inappropiate my face really is when I'm being interviewed. The whole interviewing process makes me feel dead inside, seriously. I almost become an inanimate object. The conversation feels too polite, cordial, even reserved. I could feel my jaw muscles tightening, a vein would pulse on the side of my head if I were a cartoon. I nod and smile, hope and pray that I don't look like I'm made of plastic. Once the 30-60 minute interview is over, my legs feel like Jell-O. I shake hands with everyone nervously and leave. Within 5 minutes I've probably smacked my forehead twice or clenched my teeth in frustration remembering what I should have said or not said during the interview.

And that's that. The painful interview is over and I get to wait. For some reason, you would think I'd be more nervous about the result of the interview. At that point, my thoughts would have had a glass half empty, half full type of philosophy. Then it all goes downhill from there. My pessimistic side tends to get the better half of me.

On that note, I think I've done enough rambling to stir up a new case of insomnia for a few nights. To bed I go.

Books vs. Movies

I've been reading Julie & Julia for the past week now and still have 30 pages left to read. I've spoiled the ending of the book by going to watch the movie today with the family. I always end up having mixed feelings when I've attempted both the book and the "major motion picture". Things get left out or are twisted into different plots and I usually vote for the book being the better of the two since it is the original. Sadly in this case, I choose the movie over the book.

Meryl Streep and Amy Adams acted wonderfully as in "Julie & Julia". The movie carved Julie Powell's story perfectly and cut out the excess obsession of how dreadful turning 30 was. I'll admit I was too thrilled turning a year older this year, but the book was constant whining for pages.

I chose to stick with the original work first before jumping into the adapation of it. Even though Julie & Julia was a national bestseller, the interest for me stopped short after the first few chapters. By the time I got through halfway I was expecting a little more depth with Julie. There are only so many food battles that will keep me giggling but the f-bombs took away from the seriousness of her story. It made me actually Google up her blog to see if her writing was any different from her book; hoping it'd be more mature and coherent.

Nearly the same. I would have voted the blog over the book.

Authentically Asian?

Lewis and I were having dinner with my dad the other night at Pho Bac Ky and I suddenly remembered something I wanted to blog about. In other appropriate words, rant.

As we were flipping through the menu there was a note added at the back: "The restaurant name Pho Bac Ky will later be changed to Photasia". The supposed authentic Vietnamese name has been slaughtered and fused into coinage.

I just found it amusing and may have taken it over the top by overanalyzing the evolution of the pho place. Having the name become fully Eurocentric would turn it into "Rice Noodle Garden" or "Asia Cafe". Separate, "non-Asian" words. Why bother having a name represent some sort of biculturalism when the menu as kept foods from one culture alive? They would never serve chicken pho and call it chicken noodle soup (with soda on the side?). That's just crazy talk.

I would agree the name has been westernized for most customers to remember, but wouldn't having such a title make it more Asian? Photasia honestly sounds like a half-hearted gimick to let westerners see an attempt at integration. You would not expect this restaurant to be marginalized. In a college friendly community with a population of at least 56% Asian students, I would expect the restaurant to be greeted with open arms. In other words, I hope Pho Bac Ky still stays true to its Vietnamese roots.

Unless the name change was a result of a chef leaving, then we'd have another problem.

21

This ritualistic ceremony that family and friends insist on having every anniversary of your birth feels like a baptism. Especially this particular year since you are finally served wine and bread (cake). Sorry fellow Catholics and Christians, I am not mocking you. It just feels like you're given a new slate every year to do something different with your life and people want to hold expectations to your name. Does that mean ringing in the New Year gives your a second chance? It could act like a head start and you can do things over again when your birthday comes around. It wouldn't really make a difference if your birthday falls on January 1st though I suppose. Of course I'm just rambling to cure the insomnia.

I am pretty sure I've written at least one post about being a year older every year since I turned ten. Big milestone, the double digits! Then being thirteen, "year of the teenager". Or turing "sweet sixteen", and later "legal eighteen"! Now twenty-one? Eh. So I'm two decades old plus one. It doesn't feel any different from any previous birthday I've ever had. I'm always going to have the same or more responsibilities, that's never going to change.

I'm hoping for the better. That's all.

Bridges

"How many Asian kids are actually considered special ed in the class? You know it's just a scam, most of them look normal to me."

Every day I try to find another reason to back up my decision for going into psychology and more so with Asian American groups. Thank God for conspiracy theorists and ignorant people. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have a reason to try and defend myself. And out of that defense, there is pride for what I want to do later on in life.

It is difficult to explain the concept of a psychologist or psychiatrist to your Asian parents. There are two phrases in Vietnamese that describe psychology: "tâm lý" and "thần kinh". One means personality or attitude while the other loosely means spiritual cognition. In our culture, it is not a science but a label or an uncontrollable phenomenon in your thoughts and actions. If psychology is such a broad term, how would you even explain to an Asian family about psychological disorders?

I had a talk with a friend of mine about the cultural issues of accepting mental health as a valid portion of treatment. She knows someone with a learning disorder and agreed with me that if the child were taken to a doctor in an Asian country, that child would not be taken to a child therapist first. Knowing that your child is not just physically unwell but also mentally unstable is unheard of. Either be normal or crazy. It's sad but true, there isn't a middle ground for that.

Of course this is not a generalization of mental health programs on an international scale, but try Googling "mental health in Asia" or "learning disorders, Asia". It barely shaves off 1% of the results that are specific enough to even give anyone an idea of its existence; albeit my search has not been narrowed down, you'll see what I mean. Look up the same words but change the location to "United States" or "America", the links change. There are organizations reaching out to help prevent or raise money for a mental health cause. The only links that pop up for Asian mental health are statistics on Asians in non-Asian countries with depression or suicide rates. If you scroll down, Google would suggest you to look up advocacy or stigmas in mental health instead. Either support it or face the consequences of shame within the family or group.

That was just a run down for Asian populations, not Asian American ones. The statement made above, was about Asian American kids. America! "The land of the free and the home of the brave." It is the hypochondriac country that I lovingly call my home, but also the nation that has led other groups to consider fine tuning broad disorders into categories and more specific names.

You would think that Asian American psychology by now would have caught on as one of the trends. Sadly it has barely been 40 years old since its birth and still has not been recognized as a serious branch of study. Groups within the Asian American population would beg to be separated from the "more prone to..." category than anything else. Disorders that settle in the median of the high and low extremes of mental illnesses are too gray to decipher as real or not. It is still an all or nothing diagnosis. Strong cultural ties are preventing a universal understanding of something more than just depression or suicide. Until it has reached a wise age of 100 or so, I would hope that Asian American psychology by then has finally made its mark.