New Photo/Mailing Project

This weekend I helped me sister with her promotion video for service learning.  The main theme was to change the world.  She cut out red paper hearts and wrote "Keep Changing the World" on at least 15 of them.  We drove and walked around our town, hoping to reach out to the community.  All we asked was 2 minutes of their time.  Most people sped off before we could finish, others just shrugged and said they were in a hurry.  There was no commitment or any financial donation.  The people's faces weren't even going to be in the video.  My sister was just handing out hearts and hoping to pass on the word.

By the time she finished today, we had about 20 people out of the 30 she asked.  Not bad for 2 days.  It gave me an idea.  Thanksgiving is coming around and it wouldn't hurt to give people kinds words and gestures.  I was thinking I could send anonymous greeting cards to people.  Maybe short notes, wishing them a good day, hoping they smile at least 5 times that week.  It'd be fun to photograph. 

Better yet, I should try and keep in touch with friends that I haven't talked to in years and see if they'll reply.

I enjoy taking time to write to people and getting replies.  It seems more personal.  Every time I see 25 emails bulking up my inbox, I just cringe and try to put it off.  It builds up so I can't really ignore them, though I try to avoid turning on my computer.  I get enough reminders on my phone.

Highlights of my day

Even though I wish I could scream my stress away, I know that's not going to happen.  Thank goodness I work with kids because they always manage to say something to make my day.

Kid 1: Mrs. Anne...
Me: I'm not married! I'm too young.
Kid 1: Oh sorry, Miss Anne! How much older are you going to be until you do get married?

Kid 2: Are you going to grow anymore?
Me: Nope, I stopped a while ago.
Kid 2: Pretty soon I'll be as tall as you!
Kid 3: What are you talking about? She's not short, she's taller than all of us! Look! (Measures by arm span) Her height is 6! She's 6 feet tall!

Kid 4: You're fancy!
Me: I am?
Kid 4: Yeah, that's why I like you.

My favorite is the Sesame Street kid.  I smiled at him on the playground and he kept following me around.  Pretty soon he started to dance in circles and sang the Sesame Street theme song.  I tried so hard to keep a serious face, but I ended up laughing with him.

I love kids :).

Work

I take communication for granted.  Not just the content, but being able to form the socially appropriate type of response.  You don't realize how complicated language is until you have to break it down for a kid to understand it.  It becomes more complex when you work with a child with autism.  I now have a greater respect for teachers, classroom aids, and therapists that work with these kids 1:1.  Everything is recorded to the very last minute and there's so much data collection.  The tiniest hint of progress is a big deal and it's such a rewarding experience.  I can understand why parents are so offended when their kids are being dismissed with a prescription, therapy does have lasting effects; however that debate is for another post.

I've learned how to properly teach "manding"; short for demanding, for the simplest things such as opening a door, flipping a page to a book, or asking for a hand to be held.  One of the kids I worked with earned all 12 stars today!  I wanted to do cartwheels.  His reward for the end of the day was a red lollipop and he lit up when he saw how well he did.  You've never seen a kid happier than this kid today. 

I just hope I have more days like this.
 

First Week

I survived my first week as a behavioral therapist!  I cannot even begin to describe how my week went.  All I can say is that it was a little overwhelming the first few days, but I eased into it.  My first task was to become the positive reinforcer and make myself the main reason the kids wanted to be around me.  Coloring would be more fun with me.  Putting together puzzles would be more fun with me.  Play fighting the Incredibles would be more fun with me.  I'm so glad the Child Development Center in Irvine prepared me for this job.

I have been a lot goofier lately and learned to embrace my inner child :).  Need to work on my cartoon impressions.  I'm going to be making props from The Fairly Odd Parents this weekend!     

"You want a popsicle? Mine's red!"

It's only been Day Two and I'm already getting attached to my job.  I absolutely love kids and I feel so blessed to be able to work with them one on one.  They all need this type of support whether or not they're considered "special needs" or "socially awkward".  I love them all.  Best part of my day today was the excited shrieks and smiles.  I'm in a great place in my life and I couldn't be happier.

Breathe, breathe, breathe!

I wonder if I ever this anxious as child as I am now.  Once I start thinking about what I need to do in the next 2 months, it freaks me out.  Come October 1, I'm going to start crying about the beginning, and crying after April that it'll be over.

Just let me rant, please? :[

Grad school!  Why are you so much more complicated to apply for than undergraduate studies?  What is up with the 4 different deadlines for each program, the multiple locations I need to mail out the same things to, orientation dates, etc.  I haven't even started on my statement of purpose.  The word "doomed" is just hanging above my head every time I triple check the school websites to make sure the dates didn't change.  Some require the online app, some need both.  GRE scores aren't required but recommended, blah blah blah.

I know they have people that help plan parties or weddings.  Can't I have someone to plan out my graduate school career?  At least give me something solid to work with.

Schools I've decided in order:

1. CSUSF Counseling program
2. CSUSF Clinical program
3. CSU San Jose Counseling program
4. CSU East Bay Counseling program
5. CSU Sacramento Counseling program

The good thing about all of this: I only need my letters of rec filled out in a form!  Makes me feel bad for putting some people on a goose chase...

23 Years

Yesterday was my parents' 23rd anniversary.  Even with the rocky parts of those years, my sisters and I are extremely grateful that there's always going to be at least one day out of the year reminding my parents why they fell in love in the first place.  It just takes them a while to realize it.  

Diane made a good point.  

"You have to look further back before they had us kids." 

There's a story in the family about how my dad used to drive from Sacramento to San Francisco between jobs just to see my mom to bring her lunch or dinner.  No matter what the shift was, he was there for her.  And my mom would be at the university, waiting for him.  They were still transitioning after their marriage and didn't have enough money for a place of their own.  They only stayed together on the weekends.  My mom lived in a studio with her roommates while my dad stayed with his friends.  On one Friday evening, after an exhaustive drive down to SF, my dad had brought leftover cabbage stew and rice so he and my mom could eat on the way back to Sacramento.  Hungrily they dug in and found that the cabbage had spoiled.  Instead of bickering out of frustration, they just sat in the parking lot, quietly crying over the only food they had left for the day while they comforted each other.

That's love.  When you only have a few possessions, it's easier to see why you want and need that significant other to be your rock.  It gets harder when other things are added on, your kids, work, financial issues, etc.  This is one of the moments where my sisters and I have to remember that at one point in their lives, my parents were passionate about one another.  They didn't have a petty argument.  Having each other's company was more than enough to live peacefully that night. 

I love my parents more than anything and at 23 years, I wish them many more anniversaries to celebrate, and definitely more days where they can think back and remember why they decided to become man and wife. 

Photo Projects

My list of things to photograph:

• Honnie & Holmes together
• Portraits of friends
• Garden scenery at home
• More homemade food & foodie adventures
• 365 days of photos, a diary of highlights of each day (starting tomorrow)

I think I'm more excited for the last one.  It'll keep me optimistic.  In any event, there has to be one good thing that's happened throughout my day.  I need to be able to find some source of sanity here.  I just hope it doesn't end up too mundane.

'Tis Clean

After super cleaning the house, I decided to spruce up my networking sites.  Blog has a new look, both this blog and my Tumblr need new posts, everything else needs security control.  Feeling a little OCD.  I might just re-organize my iPhoto albums.

Spammers

I feel like I'm being harassed.  There's an unknown caller that keeps calling me from (000) 000-0000.  It seems like a prank based off a bad horror film.  I don't appreciate it.  The number's been reported and I've taken my name off of the telemarketers list.  There's nothing else I can do.  Even my carrier cannot block it because it's not a legitimate number.  6th time they've called today, I'm getting a little freaked out.

Hello from my desk

His name is Momo.  I'm planning to make a traveler's album featuring him.  

I need some sort of photo project.  I will start gardening soon though!

Homemade Pedi

I was talking to my sisters about getting girled up and Vick decided that I should just do my nails at home.

V: If you want your toes done professionally, I'm sure we can match what those ladies at the salon do!
A: You don't have the equipment!
V (runs to get Holmes' bucket): Oh hon-ay! I can do your toes, I hav' the turtle treatment here for yo' feet.  She can nibble at your toes and everything.

"Sundays are mandatory"

I've been taught that Sundays are for church.  Church is for God and you owe everything that happens in your life to Him.  It's fate.  I believe we all have a purpose in life, but not a predetermined one.  For some reason my parents cannot wrap their head around that.

When I told them that I wasn't going to mass today, they were baffled.   

"But it's Sunday...you have to!  What's gotten into you?"

No I don't.  Going to God's house is supposed to be a sanctuary.  It's supposed to be a home that I can share with 60 other people.  It doesn't feel like a home.  The one in Irvine is.  My brothers and sisters all reside there and we're a family.  And going to mass shouldn't be an obligation.  It's free will.  We're all entitled to how we pray and communicate with Him. 

"Your personal problems have nothing to do with God.  No matter what, you're supposed to be there in church to pray for your troubles."

It's such a contradiction.  I think she meant that my personal problems aren't larger than the church.  Prayer is a personal thing to me and where I do pray shouldn't matter.  It's not like a computer being plugged into the modem, I'm not going to get a better communication line with God if I'm in the church.

And the last statement that just annoyed me.

"If you pray enough, things are going to change."

God isn't Santa Clause, just because we all try to be good little boys and girls, He's not going to give us what we want.  We're human-- we make mistakes and when we make those mistakes, there are consequences.  It's our responsibility to cope and fix ourselves.  Prayer's a supplement, not the antidote.

"Bình an".  Mot từ con sẽ không bao giờ hiểu.  Muốn sửa, nhưng ma không được.

Please go away

Whatever you are, stomach flu or food poisoning.  I can't even look at my food blogs without feeling sick.  The smell of food makes me nauseous, and the sight of my kitchen makes me want to run the other direction.  Body aches and chills, I'm just waiting for that fever to kick in.  Needless to say, I feel terrible today.

Cracked

17 days.  I actually bet against myself that I would go totally nuts at Day 14 or even Day 10.  I gained 3 days.  It's been such a nightmare living at home.  This loss of control over how I go about my day is stressing me out.  I'm trying my best to find a job or even a volunteering position to keep me sane and even that isn't working out.  I can't spend my days running "errands" all day long when it's really just me driving around trying to get 10 seconds to breathe before I have to go home.

"You're not going to get outta here until you're married."

Believe me, I want to move out as soon as possible.  Everything is shared here, I get it.  My independence was castrated when our SUV pulled into our driveway.  Going back to So Cal is just going to be a visit, I can't stay there anymore.  I can't be productive here because there's always going to be this lingering feeling that I'm still obligated to abide by that invisible leash.  I shouldn't stray more than 10 miles from home unless I'm with someone, I can't sit out at the coffee shop for hours into the night because I'll be asking for trouble, I'll be banished from the family if God forbid, I find a place of my own before I'm married.

"You're being ungrateful, after all we did for you, now you're just acting spoiled."

Do you ever wonder when your parents are going to use their financial support against you as a form of black mail?  It happened today.  That guilt card.  It's a stupid piece of furniture that I wanted to use.  That gigantic piece of scraped metal that IKEA calls a loft bed, was driven over 300 miles back here for me to use, not for storage.  We agreed on that multiple times.  All I asked was for my own corner, literally!  A corner of the room to myself, without having to share a spot with anyone.  Not that I'm being highly territorial-- I just want my things to belong somewhere and not be mixed up in house that constantly looks like a garage sale.

I get the lecture that I'm asking for too much, that it's my fault for not thinking where my old bed was going, etc.  How did it suddenly become my fault?  There's no use in arguing over what we should have done.  The problem now is that I'm at home and we have to figure out where I fit in.

(Not) Unpacked

I am disgusted with my house already.

Graduation!

Before I forget, I'm bullet pointing all of this.

• Woke up early to make breakfast with sisters, waited for parents and Lewis to come over
• Finished decorating cap and gown, thank to Vick!
• Cap officially said, "Cam on, Bo Me" (Thanks, Mom & Dad!)
• Lewis got me carrot cupcakes and flowers :)
• Mom was armed with two cameras ready to go
• Walked in painful heels all day
• Met up with fellow 145 interns to line up together
• Valerie has some serious hookups-- we ended up at the very front of the line
• Couldn't find family and boyfriend in crowd, lots of standing on the chair to pop my head up
• Got to take a lot of pictures of everything
• Managed to take an extra group photo at the end
• 5 of us were the very last to be called up so I waited for Aness, Angela, Nas, and Valerie to finish
• We all held hands and raised them up high, lots of cheers from the crowd
• Deliriously happy to be done, it was a super fun graduation to participate in
• Went to In-N-Out with Lewis and sisters for milkshakes and animal fries
• Chilled at the apt and fell asleep
• Got ready to go eat some more
• Went to Anh Hong for dinner for a 7 course beef meal (holy crap on a cracker)
• Super full and went home to zombie out

Too much to blog about, I have tons of photos up though!

"Aja aja fighting!"

To the academic counselors that have "guided" me through my undergraduate career, I like to wish you all the best in your future endeavors. 

I have never met a genuinely caring counselor at school before.  Every time I come in, there's a slight frown and this attitude of pessimism waiting to greet me at the office.  The first time I went to meet with the Humanities Undergraduate counselor, she said that I'm never going to go far in psychology (or transfer) if I decide to change majors because of my grades.  Months later, my request was approved and my love for education flourished.  Another example of poor social academic support, a counselor from Social Sciences promptly told me that I probably won't do well in the graduate course that my professor recommended me to take.

Is there something wrong with this picture here?  As academic counselors, shouldn't they give you a glimmer of hope that they'll be able to succeed if they apply themselves 110% and keep motivated?  I do have to thank them for their lack of enthusiasm, because without it, I wouldn't have pushed myself so hard to finish my senior year with a bang.  Hopefully this worked out the same way for a lot of other students.

Like I told my friend yesterday.  No matter what job I end in, if I'm going to end up as someone's mentor or influence the minds of many people, I have to put in my best.  Other people are dependent on you and they need you to do a good job.  And if I do end up as a counselor or therapist anywhere, I'm going to make sure I won't ruin someone's self-esteem while trying to help them. 

7 mo' days

The last week is usually the bittersweet one, at least that's what I assumed.  I've made this place a home for 4 years and now I'm going back to the one that has been mine for 21 years.  Something tells me I'll be baking a lot.  I tend to bake when I'm stressed.  Even if the product is supposed to be made with love, it'll be with aggressive love.  I shouldn't be surprised because I knew it had to end sometime.  I just hate not knowing what's supposed to happen next.  Having a plan isn't going to soothe my insecurities.  I want a guarantee.

Sharing is Caring

My professor was right.  We now live in a world where it's okay to share every ounce of information about yourself to others.  Google has your medical records, Facebook has your status updates, Twitter knows what you're eating.  Linkedin knows where I've worked.  Flickr knows what my trends in photography are.  What else?

I sort of jumped the band wagon and added a bit more of myself to cyberspace.  I've been posting ads on FB marketplace to sell some stuff that I need to get rid of when I move out and copied the same items on Uloop and Craigslist.  Craigslist, although shady, does seem to get a lot of a responses.  Within an hour someone was already asking for me to reserve an item for them.  There was a section listed as "Resumes".  You're probably thinking that I'm an idiot for doing this right?  Well I went for it and my resume, or I guess, my skills and work experiences are now listed.  All I left was an email for someone to contact me.  I even wrote a cover letter.  No bites from the East Bay pond yet, but I'll be waiting.

"Twinkle, Twinkle"

"Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!
How I wonder where you're at!
Up above the world you fly,
Like a teatray in the sky.
Twinkle, twinkle little bat!
How I wonder where you're at!"

I'm slowly reading Alice in Wonderland when I get the chance to glance at my Stanza app on my iPod.  Disney stayed pretty close to the book in terms of the quotes, not so much the physical descriptions.  They changed a lot of that.  I could use a Disney movie.

Frazzled

Sounds like the right choice of word with how I'm feeling.  Why is everything due this week and next week?  My list so far (I like making lists):

1. SpongeBob Fun Day Friday Carnival Plans
2. Poster sessions
3. P258 reading
4. P258 research presentation
5. Scholarship application
6. P258 grant application/paper
7. 112C research paper

I only have the first 3 done.  Someone had the case of the Mondays today.

Non-Caffeinated

"You have an unusual talent as an archivist for a student uninterested in the libraries.  If you're ever interested..."

Michelle, Andrew, and the rest of the staff at Special Collections has made campus life a second home to me.  I realized how much I'm going to miss them when I leave.  The Libraries had a picnic in Aldrich Park today, it was a small gathering, but intimate.  I don't exactly know the staff outside those office doors, but it was fun to be surrounded by a group of people that I identified with ever since I was a little girl.  Not many people know this, though I'm sure they're not surprised-- I've always wanted to work with books.  Sadly it had to be Disney to jump start that wish through Beauty and the Beast with Belle on those ladders on wheels, gliding from shelf to shelf filled with all kinds of books.  One of the main features I need in my future home is a huge library, even if the Kindle is going pwn me for the space I intend on using.   

I can't exactly pin my job down to one thing I do.  There's so many projects to do, you can't keep track.  My favorite part of the job is to interact with the staff and go through the hundreds of collections we house in our department.  The Virgil Partch collection was really fun to work with, he had a bunch of artwork to thumb through from the 1960s.  Or the Don Meadows collection, she was the first female forest ranger and we had her granddaughter come visit us from New York, just so she could look through all the letters, postcards, and telegrams we preserved.  It's the personal items that I'll remember most. 

I actually found a niche in the real world.  I know I'm a competent employee and a passionate one at that.  Now to carve a much larger one that's relevant to my major and experiences listed in my resume.

There is no title today.

I'm starting to enjoy what the weather has to offer down here.  Today was a little gloomy but a few days ago it was a gorgeous day.  Sunny, but cool.  My cold is finally gone-- maybe I can finally enjoy myself and take more pictures.

Didn't really do much this weekend.  Lewis and I made bison burgers!  That's right, buffalo!  Mmm, tasty.  We watched Iron Man 2 the other night too.  It was so fun to watch, there was more content to digest this time.  I want to catch up with the Marvel world and read up on the superheroes.  Also watched Time Traveler's Wife which was a little confusing.  It was an okay movie; more loop holes than I expected.  That book should also be on my list to read! 

I've been wishy-washy with moving home.  I'm trying to be optimistic.  My list of things to do if I have to move back right after graduation:

• Read for pleasure (long list of books I want to read)
• Take up a cake decorating or cooking class
• Maybe a photography class too
• Find a pilates or yoga class (lots of classes so far)
• Start to play tennis again with my dad (it's been a while)
• Pick up piano again (Ms. Laura would be proud)
• Grow something for once in a proper garden
• Catch up with Korean dramas
• Redecorate my ancient room and create an office space

As for the must to do list:

• Secure a job
• Find research in child development
• Study for GREs
• Take GREs 
• Start making letter of rec binder (should probably start now)
• Get letters of recommendation
• Fill out graduate school applications
• Volunteer at a children's center or a group home
• Learn to drive myself past the Tri-City area (face palm)

Home Bound

Graduating and getting ready to finally move home has been a touchy subject for me.  More so than usual because the impending date is in 3 weeks?  Or was it 4?  I'm not ready to pack and go home and restart to a 8-5 job.  When am I ever going to have a period of complete rest and do whatever the hell I want before all of this?  I don't have that.  I desperately want a break without knowing that I have a deadline to meet or some appointment I have to show up for.  I just want to sit and curl up to a good book.

Is it bad that I sort of want to suggest for my family to just back off and not vacation down here for a week after I graduate so I can get some breathing room?  I'm feeling suffocated.  I even tried to subtly drop hints to my mom today about needing a place of my own.  All I asked for my own space, in our house, and we don't have room to squeeze me back in.  So if not my own room, why not my own place when I'm financially stable?  I brought up one of my friends to my mom.  My friend's staying in Berkeley after she graduates because she found a job there and my mom asked, "Doesn't she love her parents anymore?  Why would she want to be on her own?  Can't she rent out a bigger apartment for her parents to be there with her?"

It was like pulling teeth, with a pair of tweezers.  This Asian image of a family always being one unit bothered me.  Because I am blood related, I am obligated to put living with family under the same roof first before anything else.  I know my mom knows this well because she came from a family of 10 kids and 2 parents.  They lived in a 3 bedroom country home when they moved to the States.  If that wasn't cramped, I don't know what is.  I would need that escape.  Didn't she?

My parents are not losing me, I'll still be around.  I assure you my relationship with them would be a lot healthier with this physical space.  They can't expect me to enjoy being on my own for all these years and then suck me back in to high school mode.  I'm not 17 anymore and I don't want to be treated like one.  I'm not a form of compensation to start over because it was so hard trying to raise my other siblings when I wasn't around.  I'm 21 now and don't want to be living at home when I'm 30.

I tried to emphasize that independence was a good thing, that it had nothing to do with not loving your family.  I have learned to accept their form of love and support in many ways over the years, a lot of it was when they weren't around.  Now they want to smother me with it to make sure I haven't missed anything.  I have already told my dad my fears about moving back a week ago that I was never going to grow in my career or education if I lived at home.  It's a legitimate phobia, not being able to succeed and just settling.  I wasn't exaggerating.  I know it's true and my dad didn''t even try to be rational about what I said.  I was trying to be an adult, instead I was being childish and unloving.

Heart, heart, heart!

I have the best boyfriend ever.

I simply adore you.

You're everything a girl could ever want.

I'm happy when I'm with you and I know you feel the same way.

You definitely made my day today.

I love you, Lewis.

It's Wednesday

Starting the morning right with Sara Bareilles. 
I love her music!

This cold is not going away.
I feel like a snotty nosed 5 year old.
Nose drippage and lots of used tissues.
I'm gross I know.
At least the headaches and body aches are gone!

I haven't done anything in 2 days.
Tonight I have to get back into gear and actually do work.
Another review session for GREs tonight, fun. 

Ken Robinson speaks about Creativity in Education

Overprotected Generation

I know I have a tendency to ramble about a lot of discussions we've had in my Asian American Studies courses and not enough about my psychology classes.  There's an unbalanced scale here, sorry.  We rarely have discussions in our psych courses because we're always being lectured at.  The graduate seminar I'm in for health psychology is probably the only class I've had a chance to really voice any questions and opinions in my undergraduate career.  It keeps me on my toes and gives my neurons a bit of exercise, especially since I can only retain so much information before I burst from not applying any of it.

In one of readings a few weeks back, we examined developmental psychology and how we are now willing to utilize early intervention to educate at risk groups for health-harming behavior such as dieting, substance abuse, unprotected sex, etc.  Researchers have suggested that it is more beneficial to try and to "nip it in the bud" before they end up as chronic illnesses or disorders which may affect our young generation.  Sort of makes you realize that once a diagnosis is made, that label sticks with that kid for life. 

What if the diagnosis is something that isn't as serious as cancer, diabetes, or cystic fibrosis?  Something that isn't a concrete disorder or disease, but something that can only be alleviated with some medication, but mainly treated with aggressive behavioral therapy?  Something as light as being "socially awkward" or "odd" is considered outlandish.  It's not normal for a child to be a little wild and it's unacceptable for them to have their own personality.  You can't prevent social abnormality.  It can be over taught and over practiced, but how much of it is effective without a specialist shadowing your every move?

It makes me wonder, working with kids in an environment like this-- when is it okay to be a little different?  You can't mold everyone into a social norm.  You can definitely train them to meet social standards, but do you really have to iron out every little wrinkle in there?  It sort of comes back to that whole instant gratification thing, not just with the younger part of our generation, but with the parents of those kids too.  They want their kids to walk and talk a certain way and if the kids don't do it, there's something wrong with them, because their parenting or schooling is flawless, and it's most likely the kid that's at fault.  He is uncooperative.  She is just making my life miserable.  He is trying my last nerve.  What's wrong with how we're looking at our kids these days? 

Flaws used to be okay.  It's what builds character, at least that's what I learned growing up.  I understand the circumstances when those "imperfections" become a daily handicap and a child is unable to function, but what happens when they overcome that and make it work but still turn out "different"?  It's ironic that we also try to break kids out of the certain rigidity they need to function, yet they are encouraged to do something outside the box.  So where's that balance between the rules and the free will? 

Sick

This feeling of being extremely hazy and sore all over really bites.  At least I got to sleep most of the day.  I might actually sleep before 11 tonight.  When I'm not sick, sometimes I actually wish I could be sick so I could stay home.  Guess I got what I wished for.  I actually feel guilty for not being able to do anything productive today.

Spiritual Love

I absolutely miss this girl.  She is one of my very best friends and I've known her all my life.  We met back in 4th grade and have been inseparable ever since.

I finally got to talk to her after a few weeks.  Our conversations get more and more ridiculous every time we talk.  I can't want to start the hilarity up again when I go home this summer.

1: Jennifer always emails me, I get no love from Anuuuu!
2: That's a fallacy.  Just because I don't send emails, it doesn't mean there's no love from me.
1: Well as a psych major, if we don't see it, it doesn't exist!
2: Doesn't psych talk about the sixth sense?

2: My love has no boundaries.
1: Did you measure it?
2: It can't be put into words.
1: Because it hasn't reached my door yet.  I think it skipped over to the house next to mine so you probably missed it.
2: No I'm sure it's waiting out there.  You haven't been searching for it.
1: Oh was that what was keeping me up last night?
2: There we go.
1: I was possessed by your love spirits.
2: Most likely.

We've concluded things haven't changed ever since we got AIM in middle school.  Same screen names, same conversations.  I miss them.

I just want one.

Lewisism #21

I like how people try to ride their scooters and try to keep their dignity.

Mother's Day

Happy (early) Mother's Day, everyone!  Please go home and be with your moms or at least call her to tell her you love her dearly.  I was actually pretty jealous most of my friends got to go home to be with their families while I was stuck here in Irvine.  Only 4 more weeks until I'm officially done!

Being here alone has gotten me to reflect a lot on my relationship with my mom.  It's changed so much over the years and I hope I can keep it the way it is so far.  I don't know how we survived my angsty teenage years and I'm expecting some head butting when I move home, but ever since I moved away, things have gotten a lot better.  This four year break of not being home everyday and coming back for about a month and two weeks at a time was probably breaking my mom's heart a little bit.  She and I would spend the whole night packing and re-packing my luggage before I head back to school.  My chest always felt heavy knowing that I had to cut my visit short and return to the mundane life I led back at school with classes and/or work.  It was hard at first, adjusting to all of this, but it's helped me a lot to grow closer with my mom and being able to get to know her better without expecting the worst out of a conversation.

She's taught me how to stand up for myself and do things on my own.  Even if I'm 99% sure I'm not going to be able to do something, she always reassures me there's that 1% that can overcome that.  She's always been on the other line when I ranted about roommate problems, or cried because I was homesick.  She always called to check up on me and occasionally I would get gigantic care packages from her because she thought I never had time to drop by the store to get groceries.  It's 396 miles that these boxes would travel to my place, chock-full of Vietnamese foods that she's cooked over the past few days, frozen in the package, but conveniently thawed by the time it arrives at my doorstep.

She's done so much for me and I'm so grateful for having her as a mother.  I love her so much and I can't wait to see her when she comes down for my graduation.

It's Purty

Ah yes, I also have a new layout in seafoam green!  I'm going to make an effort to post more things about Irvine.  I have plenty of rants to think about but right now I'll try to be less of a Debby Downer and be more of Cool Craig.  I'm not 50 years old, I just speak like one.  Don't judge me!

Snapshots of Saturday

It was such a gorgeous day out today, sad that I stayed inside most of the time.  I woke up to take a practice GRE exam that lasted for about 3 hours.  It's safe to say that I was screwed.  All that high school math was forgotten and only a few tricks from AP English came back to me.  Damn those analogies and triangles!  My two days of cramming obviously didn't help much.

I spent the rest of the day at home, baking (again), and reading for class.  I've been on such a baking streak.  Not sure if it's a sign of stress or not, but it's comforting.  Two weeks ago it was PB & J cookies, then banana bread, and today, chocolate vegan cake.  If you want to check out my insane obsession with food, you can always visit http://ontopofthefoodchain.tumblr.com/.  The blog hasn't been doing well, but I do have some followers.  People from class now know me as the foodie.  I rather have that label than the "weird-awkward-girl-that-always-sits-in-the-front-of-the-class".  My plants are doing well too!  I never named the baby cilantro and basil pots, they're just sprouting.  Sad that my sunflowers died after spring break; too much sun.  Fu Man 2 and the other unnamed plant are thriving on my window sill.  I love plants.

Here's a few pictures from today.  I wish I got to spend the day with Lewis or a girlfriend, but it was nice to be on my own for a change, sort of.  I end up so unproductive when I'm by myself!

"Well I guess it's finally Friday."

I'm in sort of funk. I don't know what it is. I've been so burnt out from this week, I'm ready to relax and start the week all over again. Only 6 more weeks of the never ending demands. For once I'd like to hike somewhere or camp out at a park for the afternoon and not have to worry about plowing through the 20 emails I get a day about job hunting, class assignments, setting up meetings, or graduate school advice. I spent at least 2 hours alone replying emails that I've neglected to write back yesterday. I would rather curl up in a chair and read instead of having to compulsively check for any updates in my inbox, phone, blogroll, or FB and Twitter feeds. This form of instant gratification of having to get things done in a "bam, bam, bam" sort of fashion is tiring. I feel bad for not replying if I'm more than 3 days late.

And while complaining about how computers own my life, I'm listlessly sitting here in the computer lab before work. It is also unfortunate that the people with extremely bad B.O. find their way next to me.

Don't Freeze My Biological Clock

I know I put myself up to this but I started to register myself into a bunch of online services to help me job hunt more efficiently. So far I've had 4 replies in the past weekend. Not bad considering how I started sending our resumes a week ago. So thanks to Monster Jobs, they signed me up for an online network for "career-minded women". Why does this label alone sound so hyper feminist? As if women need to have a social support group just to be accepted into the work field to separate themselves from being bullied by working men. Maybe they do, I don't know.

What I do know is that they question the women that put their career ahead of their families. Excelle posted a question in today's newsletter about whether or not women should have the freedom to freeze their eggs so they can prolong their career while they decide when they want to have kids without losing the eggs. Is this disturbing to anyone? Even if your eggs are "fresh" don't you think your aging bodies might not be able to compensate bearing a child? Doing that to yourself costs $20,000. You can store them until you're "ready to use them". There's something eerily unnatural about freezing your future kids like that. For the original link you can find it here.

Editing Fail

So my first mistake was sending out a resume in bulk. The second was failing to change which position was I applying for; I caught on after the first email. And the third, yet biggest one? Forgetting to double check that the contact info for one of my references was correct. I wanted to face palm and then bang my head on the desk. I went back and emailed everyone I contacted with the updated info and apologized for my mistake. Sometimes I wish Gmail would give you the option to preview your attachments before you send them out. That would have saved me some grief.

2nd Generation

Why do Asian parents insist on trying to get the most out of you through pessimism? I know I’m stereotyping, but I mean the type of parents that ultimately want the best for you but always keep you on your toes with the questions, “What if it doesn’t work out?” or “Are you sure that’s what you want to do?”

Of course it’s what I want to do. I invested my 4 years into a major that I thought I could use to save the world (at least with one child or family at a time). Originally I thought I had no place to be in it when I first took a class in high school, but after jumping into the curriculum, I got better at it, then excelled in some of my classes. Shouldn’t that confidence continue to channel into my risks for applying for jobs after graduation without being cut short? It’s not even June yet and your words are assuming that I won’t get that job or that my plans will just fall through, or worse, that I second guess my decisions.

It’s too late to do that now, I need to start jumping and hoping something will catch me. I know this economy sucks to be graduating into and that having only one parent support the family is tough, but can’t there be faith that I could help with that burden and try to find my place in this adult world we call “real life”? As if being in school cuts you off from the rest of the world, because college students are so apathetic and close minded and have our noses stuck in books all day. I try to bridge that gap, y’know.

I just want to hear words of encouragement. I never like to admit it, but in the end I always try to impress you both and somehow leave myself to be second in priority. Everything you do is an investment and to think that your child is an investment is cruel, but I try to live up to it. You don’t get reassurance for tentative plans.

Home Projects

Looking back at the list of things I wanted to do a year ago seems rather stupid. Here's what I listed:

1) Learn how to swim
2) Knit a whole scarf
3) Learn how to French braid properly
4) Bake bread perfectly (baguettes preferably)
5) Skateboard somewhat properly
6) Rollerblade/ice skate sufficiently
7) Maybe get another piercing (ears)
8) Ride in a hot air balloon
9) Learn how to twirl a pen/writing utensil between my fingers
10) Make a souflee/pear almond tarte
11) Double dutch jump rope
12) Learn a new instrument
13) Get a new pet (for college)
14) Build up CD collection
15) Drive the freeway (seriously, man)
16) Organize pictures and print them out
17) Scrapbook or at least finish filling up an album

Well a few are practical and I managed to manage one thing and that was taking up the challenge of a pet turtle. Here's a more plausible list instead.

1) Keep cilantro and basil plants alive
2) Roast a chicken properly
3) Bake a pie
4) Ride hot air balloon at Great Park
5) Ride ferris wheel at Spectrum
6) Swing on the swings at Mason Park
7) Photo shoots at park, school, beach, etc.
8) Picnic in Aldrich Park
9) Watch a few more indie films at the theater across campus
10) Take more photos of staff and peers I've worked with all year
11) Get people to sign my overpriced yearbook
12) Find a job (should have been first on the list)
13) Get letter of recs (should have been the second on the list)
14) Get straight As this quarter
15) Keep a happy and stress-free quarter

Graduation Present

My family is under the assumption that I want something materialistic for graduation or more quality time when they come down here to vacation for a week. It's a nice gesture, but all I really want is to find a job after I graduate and a guarantee that I'll be in graduate school the year after that. Sorry, but I'm blunt (and practical). I just want a happy ending (that reassures me that my 4 years at a university did not go to waste).

Pink Martini

Words cannot describe how amazing the Pink Martini concert was last night. They were phenomenal live and I wish they could have played all night. "Brazil" was super fun to watch when they started to get the front row to do a conga line. "And Then You're Gone" and "Now I'm Back" was super funny. So many types of music that night! I sound like such a teeny bopper. Latin, jazz, swing, classical music, oh man. If I could, I'd try to convert young listeners to this type of music instead of the mainstream garbage that's always playing on the radio. I don't want my "bed to rock" and I don't care for "yellow polka dot bikinis".

I'm starting to be a bigger fan of Thomas Lauderdale. I didn't know his studied classical piano at Harvard and started the band. They started out with 4 members and it grew to 12. China Forbes was also amazing that night. She's stunning in person and I felt like an idiot when I told her that the show was great. As if it was only adjective that came to mind. I probably looked like a babbling idiot. Next time, there will be a game plan. Gavin Bondy's trumpet playing was so 60s. I loved his style and he and Robert Taylor were great together when they played. So many musicians on one stage! That was only a third of the members I just named.

It makes me glad that I learned to appreciate music like this when I was young and grew up with it. It's a blessing. I'm also happy I got to spend the concert with the most wonderful person on earth. Lewis, this was the best present I've ever gotten. I can't thank you enough. Funnest night ever and I love you for it. I hope I can top this (eventually :P).

22nd!

Happy Birthday, Lewis! To my partner in crime, I hope today ends up being a blast :).

Nmpfh

Up at 5:30 today.
Studied and just finished last bit of notes.
I actually read through all the slides from 10 lectures.
10 chapters of human memory.
Judgment call at 10:30.
I have 1.5 hrs.
At least it's my last final ever.
I just want to sleep and eat.

Game

Every time I'm in my "hard core" study mode, I always find myself playing back sound bytes from video games.

Every page I finish I get a point.
Every chapter I finish I get a lucky coin.
Every practice exam I finish I get an edible flower.
Hopefully the actual exam will let me win bonus point (har har).

Man I just want this to be done and over with. Tomorrow's going to be my very last final as a senior! Next quarter is just going to be a whole bunch of papers.

Sarcasm

I'm not one to judge, but sometimes I can't read what people are saying online, especially when it comes to sarcasm. Out of panic I emailed my professor when I realized the date for our final was Friday. We usually meet for lecture Tuesdays and Thursdays so I figured our exam would fall on one of those days.

Here's what I emailed:

Hi Professor _________,

I was double checking EEE and it said our final is on Friday, March 19th at 10:30-12:30 pm. Friday, not Thursday. I was wondering if that was a mistake or if the date is right since our lectures are usually Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Sincerely,
Anne

Here's what my professor wrote:

Anne,

Way to stay on top of things. Not only has it been posted on the website since before the quarter began as well as on WebSoc much longer, the first slide in the last 6 lectures reminded you.

--Dr. ___________

That was total sarcasm right? Or am I wrong? If it was truly sarcasm, this gives me more of a reason to despise this class.

Emoticons

A lot of my old blog entries from high school contained a lot of the following after each sentence: =), XD, -_-;, @.@, ^_^, :O, =_=, and the classic <3. Sometimes <33. Gag me. I'm psychoanalyzing myself from 4 years ago. It's a little horrifying. I hope I've matured and stayed out of those stages.

Self-taught

I'm actually looking forward to going home next week. Next week! This quarter will finally be over and I can relax. Sort of. I think I have a fear of being unproductive. I'm feeling behind my classmates.

Well for today, out of exhaustion, I skipped class to study. It's sad because I should be learning the material in class, not just by myself. I greatly despise PowerPoints. My tuition money should not go to a professor that reads off these retched things. They take up at least 4 MB of my hard drive, which isn't much, but should be taking up a lot more space in my notebooks. It's not. Paper is obsolete. I hate having to go through 70 slides a lecture. I think out of my college career, at least half of my professors insist on relying on these slide shows. It's finicky and they just zoom by mini novels a slide, expecting us to capture them with our photographic memories. It's worse when they can't find their way out to show us a link online. My professor has habitually opened up YouTube twice every time she clicks on a video link, close PowerPoint, then reopen everything. What happened to good ol' video cassettes and DVDs? I probably learn a lot more from the TAs and the practice tests.

I'm just rambling here. And I'm a little cranky. Grumble grumble grumble...

Earlier Exposure

In lighter events, 9th grade students in San Francisco have the opportunity to take ethnic studies that counts towards credit. This is based on the program that will help motivate students to apply for college. SF Gate wrote an amazing article that can be found here. I'm thrilled to see that we're branching out and trying to expand the curriculum for our young students.

Un-Racialize Us!

I meant to write this a long time ago. Like at least a year ago. This draft has been sitting in my inbox for 3 quarters now and it's about time I start updating meaningful posts.

On February 22, 2010, Hanna Guthrie posted an article about the significance of Black History Month, about it now being outdated and that we need to embrace the "modern-day form of segregation". Insert a cartoon with bulging eyes and a jaw drop complete with sound effects. Did she just what I thought she said? There's more. She argued that "focusing on everyone's ethnic background in forms of club organizations and holidays makes us racist". Since when did celebrating our efforts and representations of our heritages racist? Dismissing "holidays" such as Black History Month as a waste of time just excused decades of hate crimes, innocent deaths, and the efforts of not just the Black community but of all other minority groups to fight racism in America.

Guthrie used Raina Kelley from Newsweek as a source in attempt to voice her opinion about modern-day racism. Kelley wanted to address the issues of educating and protecting impoverished black children. Instead of having just one month dedicated to Black history, she made a statement that every month should then be about Black history to teach these children how to succeed. Her article continued on about how our country's money has been poured into funding for a greener environments than the education system. There wasn't any mention about "bemoaning the existence of the month" wastes time. That was completely out of context. You do need to teach your children about history, whether racism related or not, how else are they going to learn how mankind evolved? Histories are supposed to help us avoid our mistakes or at least remind us how to be better people.

Guthrie made our government sound as if we poured all our time and effort into this overstated month and ignore other issues at hand. I wonder if she has ever taken the time to step back and try to understand how serious racism still is in the world.

In our Asian American psychology class, our professor asked us if it was possible for our country to un-racialize our population. That's just opening a can of worms. If not race, we'd argue about beliefs, and if not beliefs, sexual orientation. There's always going to be a label that we can argue about years on end. As humans, we naturally categorize (a nicer word we can use instead of segregate). Toddlers learn to differentiate not only shapes and colors, but also sound based on what they've learned on their own. Circles go into the circle section, blue blocks go into the blue box. We've been so accustomed to organize our memories or tangible objects into different sections. You cannot ask us to suddenly dismiss the category of race and not organize it somewhere.

Guthrie had the notion that race is purely 2-sided. It's no longer between Blacks and Whites, it's within the same race, between countries of many backgrounds, religious groups, it's everywhere. She had the audacity to say that she preferred that we stop hyphenating our identities and "wishe[d] we can just all be Americans" and "accept that we live in a country that accepts people from all nationalities and backgrounds". If our country truly respects us from all backgrounds, why do they still hyphenate us? And why do we still carry those labels around? Calling everyone an American here is just rolling over racial tension. We can't hide that some of us have red hair, some have freckles, others rough hair, slanted eyes, or darker skin. There is no such prototype for what an American is supposed to look like and those physical features hold us back from being purely "American".

This only further makes my point and argument last year about why we need ethnic studies to stay, not only on college campuses, but in middle schools, high schools. You would be surprised how rigidly practical some students are when they that taking an ethnic studies course for their GE is a waste of time and tuition money. It's downright baffling to me why they could not even understand a fraction of why we need to keep classes like those. Do you not see the protests on campus that's happening right now? It's not just about tuition hikes. You have many groups of students trying to support minority groups on campus for proper employment pay and treatment. And in current events, fight hate crimes that happened in UCSD or UCD. If you watch documentaries from the 1960s or 70s, you would think our campuses had a major flashback. It's frightening to see that some people think it would be a great joke to tie nooses and hang them in public parts of a university campus or to carve a swastika on a dormitory door of a Jewish freshmen. It's definitely not a laughing matter or something to just dismiss.

Senioritis? This late in the game...?

I was the middle of the year of my last year in college. Week 5 of winter quarter is almost over! All these emails about graduation and nagging us to get our stuff together is making me sad. It feels like summer break, you hate that it's mundane, but towards the end you're just getting used to how great it is. If only I knew to latch onto all these activities earlier, I would have made my college experience a lot more worth while. A year of research and interning doesn't look as great as 3-4 years. I worked for nearly 3 years, does that count?

It's just feels awkward when you realize that you can situate after for so long.

Highlight of my Day

"I need a conclusion. Do you have any?" That was by far one of the more adorable questions I've ever heard uttered from a 5th grader. We were finishing up essays about New Year's resolutions and one of the kids asked us that.

Lag, lag, lag

What's this Tumblr? You can't load a page without freezing for at least 2 minutes? It's like the server is second guessing which icons are clickable or not. Maybe it's the Twitter app on my dashboard. Blogger is so much faster.

"Winds at 30 MPH"

Irvine actually had a ZotAlert for a tornado that was about 6 miles away. 45 minutes later, they canceled their warning. Oh Irvine, you can't even be interesting for an hour. I was actually looking forward to hardcore weather since it's always sunny or slightly cloudy down here.

I'm going to stop highlighting a word in bold and in color. It's messing up my layouts if I want to change them.

Tumblr

I've jumped the bandwagon ladies and gentlemen. Not completely of course, I think this blog is always going to be a lot more personal. I just created a blog separate from my usual ramblings. This one is dedicated to my love for food, eating it, reading about it, making it, you know how it goes. Visit me, I'd love the feedback!

Generic Greetings

I can understand why Clive Wearing gets frustrated when people ask him "How are you?" or how his day was. Well it's more complicated for him because his memory restarts every 2 minutes or whenever he becomes distracted. That phenomenon causes him to believe he's just woke up for the first time. It's too broad of a greeting and when my day is stressful, I don't really want to sum up my day in one word. Just let me be a hermit.

Yay or Nay?

I'm contemplating about taking a class purely out of boredom and the fact that I need this class to graduate. I can always prolong it since I already signed up for spring graduation instead of winter. If I take this class, I'm trading in 1.5 hrs of work, which is a mere extra $14. My schedule for the quarter is already spread out pretty thin. I'm juggling class, work, research, and volunteer hours. Either way, that time slot will be used for class or work. I can't just leave it blank.

I might just go for it. If I don't have a class that requires some sort of elbow grease, I'm going to feel super lazy.

2010 Resolutions

This may just carry over into my Lenten 40 day plan. Who knows? Here are my New Year resolutions.

Eat healthier.
Exercise.
Blog more about AAS or psychology related topics.
Archive more photos around school before graduation.
Create a backup fund-- spend less money.
Find a job.
Take GREs.
Apply to graduate school(s).
Ride OC hot air balloon.
Ride Spectrum ferris wheel.
Visit new museums or exhibits.
Create a spiffy portfolio for my resume.
Learn to knit (again).
Learn to crochet.
Cook a new recipe every month (at least)-- better if attempted Vietnamese cuisine.