Right Between Point A & B

I'm starting to get that tension in-between my eyes a lot more frequently. I hope I'm not going to get migraines like my mom does. Inheriting any ailments should be the least of my worries, but I'm started to be a little paranoid about how my back feels at the end of the day, or how my legs and arms tend to drop dead for a few minutes, and so on. These bones ain't what it used to be anymo'. This tweaking pain is pulsing between the pupils!

Lewis, you're right, we're too old for our age. I might just join you in curmudgeon-ing.

I'm mentally and physically so numb right now it feels like I'm on auto pilot again. My days are getting to be a routine with the same ugly hump I have to get over. School does this to you I suppose. I just want out. I went to a stress management workshop tonight for crying out loud. Not that I'm implying I'm too arrogant to seek help or to prevent real problems, I just never thought I'd find myself in one of these type of things. This is good though, I get to work more closely with the counseling center. I just wish I was on the other end, helping people instead of having to help myself.

Maybe I'll just go to sleep and practice those breathing exercises. They're actually doing me a world of good. "Breathe in for 4, hold for 7, and let go slowly for 8."

Spongebob Squarepants

Cheers to the cheery yellow square that giggles his gay little laugh. Every time I think about how much one can absorb and let the emotions and thoughts fester, I feel sick. I know I'm part of that cause and sometimes I feel the same way. Today has taught me to shrug things off and like a good friend told me, "just be diplomatic and civil about it". It's simple enough it might just work. I have never been so calm in my life about a stressful situation. Just thinking about the little sponge being squeezed out, washed, and clean again makes me want to start over. Two days of chaos just passed and now I'm ready to start a new week.

Though I know there's already some animosity and tension, I have to make the best of it. I'm so tired of trying to justify my actions, or apologize for being human. It's not worth the trouble anymore and I should just forget about how petty people are, or how certain opinions may reflect different judgments about me. What's the point in trying to brown nose when you're clearly going to hit the pavement and then get dragged around? I need to start upping my mood for better reasons and more important tasks to worry about.

This whole situation is stupid. I need to embrace how craptastic the worst in life can be. So in the wise words of Mr. Squarepants, "I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready...!"

Homogenization

Ever since I've been taking Asian American Studies courses, I've gotten to love the play on words or terms such as 'homogenization', 'heterogeneity', and 'hypenated American'. The coinage of new terms gets me wanting to dive deeper into its origins and history of how it came to be. To be honest it makes me feel like I'm giving my brain a bit of a work out trying to analyze their meanings and take a stance about whether I agree with it or not. I love debating.

It's a wonderful field and I wish there was more recognition for the humanities classes at UC Irvine. I've learned to love the writings of Maxine Hong Kingston, Lisa Lowe, and Yen Espiritu. Wonderful authors of different concepts of Asian American identities, the issues and rising trends of globalization, and so much more. Thinking about it, if I had more time, I'd go back and try to double major as an AAS major. I feel just as strongly about it as psychology, sometimes more when someone in class gets me riled up.

Today for example, we went over the concept of vertical and horizontal communities by Lisa Lowe. Vertical communities are built from the belief system passed down from many generations. It's a traditional model. Horizontal communities are based on personal experiences and shaped by a more diverse community and made into a hybrid pool of beliefs and laws. Our professor asked us when it was appropiate to create a horizontal community or to even analyze details of a vertical community. Someone raised their hand today and made a comment about how "We shouldn't allow people to study each other in a cultural context, such as ethnographies, because it might take away what that group is trying to preserve."

I got really irritated at that comment. I know I'm supposed to respect other people's opinions, but after hearing that statement, it raised a bit of my cortisol levels a notch. If she were an anthropology major, she would know that not all ethnographies are based on observing people alone. Sometimes you are supposed to blend in to get a better feel for what one's culture and daily living is like. You learn the language and customs. And hopefully by the end of the day, you've walked at least 10 miles in someone else's shoes. Sure there are different interpretations, but no one said anything about conforming to one correct form of beliefs. It's counter-productive to society if we aren't even able to create subcultures! Where would the words 'diversity' or 'hybridity' fall in?

Without studying other cultures and making our own observations about it, we're never going to be able to build alliances with different groups. I'm taking a class on Asian American psychology and it was defeating to hear that efforts to learn about other groups of people was not encouraged. We've gotten this far in all types of fields and we're just starting to find new ways to branch out even further to help those that do not identify themselves under the mainstream radar. In the case of Asian Americans seeking psychological help, they are more likely to find a therapist that understands their culture or is even remotely aware that their ethnic background is different from the typical "White American apple pie and baseball" cutout.

How can you say we shouldn't learn about other people and try and find ways to analyze them in different angles. Not everything is going to be globalized and turned into bubble gum pop or cheap imports from Vietnam. To even come close to an opportunity of learning about other cultures mean that we want to respect spectrums that are different from ours and learn more about them. No one is going to put a 'westernized' stamp on it after we're done.

Maybe this is why people fear hybrids or subcultures, they're new and not traditional...

Bandwagon

Don't you just wish that some things would be left alone and not be leaked into the mainstream culture of America? I sure do. Facebook was the first thing I wished stayed within an elite group and now it's Twitter. It used to be the indie thing to microblog about your day, hour, or minute. Yes the purpose was to let your contacts know what you're up to, but it's another thing to just rant about stuff no one really cares to hear. For example, conversations that also should take place elsewhere do not belong on Twitter. A quick "Hey where are you?" and "Oh I'm at _____." is sufficient. When did Twitter pick up the trend of Facebook wall posts and/or statuses? It's annoying, and more importantly, sometimes immature.

No one is really interested about what place you should go eat or what type of pet to buy. If you were to really care about debating an issue with someone(s), go join the Uloop website where they have forums where you can discuss politics or even the mundane topic of which pair of socks you should be wearing tomorrow. Or heck, go for the old school route and set up a chatroom with a few of your friends or peers in AIM. Just don't hang your dirty laundry in Twitter. Those of us that do respect you wish to not read the stupid comments you put up. You're flooding our Twitter pages and pretty soon, the fail whale is going to make the index page its home.

On that note, I also find it irritating that celebrities are trying to make Twitter "the new thing". It's almost as if they've discovered sliced bread and couldn't believe the invention. Get over it. You can pretty much do the same thing if you were on Facebook or were posting some blurb on your personal blog. I found it almost insulting that CNN decided to bring Ashton Kutcher to interview with Larry King about how he "won the Twitter war against CNN". You know that it's hit mainstream when everyone is going bezerk about it.

To the following celebrities: John Mayer, there's a reason why Jennifer Aniston thinks you're nuts. You constantly tweet about the most random things ever and I can only believe that 15 year old girls would want to hang onto your every word. I thought you were going to be witty so I stayed with the "follow" status. Now I'm not so sure. Greg Grunberg, you used to rant about every possible punk you've encountered, it's not a pretty side of you. Ashton Kutcher, you and your wife need to stop sweet talking over Twitter. It was cute the first few tweets, but now it's downright disgusting, leave it in the bedroom. Oprah and I'm sure many other celebrities to come, it's okay to discover something new, but please explore it first before you decide to broadcast to the world about the new fangled thing, it's unprofessional.

My love still goes out to the 404, Natalie De Conte, Ingrid Michaelson, Molly Wood, and many others. You guys still post relevant things to the world and I greatly appreciate you. Don't let Twitter die the way it's going.

Black Cloud

C'mon rain, just fall already! This week has gotten me wound up tight. It just feels like the last stretch and I don't want it to be. I'm terrified of what's going to happen after this quarter. I have a list of things I want to get done and not worry about. Thinking back, spring break was really cruel. 1 week? That's it? Such a tease, taunted by a smidge of home and freedom. And then it gets taken away just like that *snap*.

Test tomorrow, quiz Friday, two exams Monday. One last exam in 2 weeks. I can't wait. Maybe it's the stress talking or me being homesick again. I'm starting to forget what familiar faces look like. Either way, I just want to sleep everything off. I feel like a wreck today.

I miss phone calls, emails, and letters. I've been using every form of communication to be the one to keep in touch. I miss the mutuality. I'm tired of the one calling, emailing, or even texting to ask how someone's day is or how things are going for them. For once I'd like to be the receiving end of a "Hey, how are you? Sorry I haven't talked to you in a while." Maybe add a little bitterness to my post for today, too.

Free Association, GO!

How fast will I blab out sentences?

I want to join the Asian American Psychology Association.
Or maybe even the American Psychology Association.
They both want a small fee, is that really worth it?
You have to pay for your membership; not so elite.

There's a new employee in Special Collections.
Either UCI really does have a population of 50% of more of AAs,
Or our department really just likes AAs.

It is a tad warm today.
Makes me envy my friends from up north.
I hope it rains just as violently like last year.
Must go suit shopping...work clothing in general.

Open house for Southeast Asian Archives this Friday!
We're all hoping for a good turnout.
I wish people took our collections more seriously.

I know I ate 4 hours ago, but I'm still hungry.
I am craving bread bowls with hearty soup inside.
Or maybe ramen again :).

I wonder if V is still alone at the apartment.
Hopefully she won't be too bored.

This is honestly like a bulk load of tweets.
How unoriginal.

Quiet Saturday

I know how my mom feels now every time she complains about noise (or music). Silence is golden, platinum gold even. It's not even noon yet and I'm already here at the study center, reading. The only sounds that are completely soothing to me are the whirling noises of the printers and the hard drives in all the computers. Is that a little geeky? It's the only type of white noise that I don't mind listening to. Sometimes I wish I'd be able to concentrate with music on or be able to tolerate being in crowded places. Last night was unbelievably annoying. I'd have to correct myself about the last statement, I also wish I could stand obnoxious people without having the feeling of wanting to smack them in the face.

I'm just yammering on about nothing important. The idea of a bed sounds really inviting right now, maybe a sandwich, too. I have the SAEP interview in 3 hours and my anxieties are numbed right into my arms. I hate worrying and worrying about worrying. I can't just "chill out". There's tension in the temples of my forehead, neck, shoulders, everywhere. Hanging by a thread at school right now is tiring. I want something solid and concrete. Sure adaptation to change is purely natural, but can't things be consistent for a little longer?