Postgrad Fears

I refuse to stay up 'til 2 like I did the other day, but I have a need to yell into the virtual stratosphere and wonder I'm really good at. I mean really. High school's mentally prepared me for college, college should prepare me for the "real world", right? Real world equating to graduate school, my first real job, etc. I've looked at my resume and just see numbers in my GPA, standardized test scores, and courses completed over the years. That's the whole thing! The frosting is the minor experience I've had in the workplace. My classmates are already mastering the art of spreading their selves thin. There's only so many hours in a day and I can already imagine long nights and early mornings, struggling to make sure everything works out. It's the last year and you'd think I've gotten the hang of it after the first 3 years.

Senioritis at its best

Ranting, rambling, ranting, rambling.

Winter break always seem to bring out the worst in me, allowing me to pay tribute to 2 of the 7 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony. I'm starting to memorize schedules of TV shows and eaten out every day since break started. I sleep late and wake up late. I've probably only studied for GREs for 2 days.

For some reason I'm really annoyed with my daily Internet habits. Facebook no longer interests me but I still check it knowing that nothing's changed. Twitter is becoming a spam magnet and I cannot find any benefit left from it since no one tweets important information through it anymore. Even my inbox is looking dull, and it just further emphasizes how materialistic the holidays are. I really should stop subscribing to these shopping websites though. My RSS feeds are becoming sort of redundant, too.

I should be sleeping. I'm just cranky because I'm feeling too "on the go". Forget being productive, I don't want winter quarter to start though. I think I just need a day to stay in. Maybe watching My Fair Lady tomorrow while I mope in my pajamas by the fireplace and hot tea should do the trick.

And I Thought Morons Didn't Exist

To the nimrod that decided to park right outside my apt and blast bad harp and creepy children's music from his car, go screw yourself. In fact, I hope that the cops I called actually found you and ticketed you for being a first class asshole. Who the hell decides to blast pedophile music at 2 in the fskin' morning? If you are a student and know it's finals week, you're even a bigger ass than I thought.

The nerve of some people...

Finals Week

More appropriately what I call "dead week". Schedule this week is not so bad.

Today: 112A Final & 145P Final
Wednesday: Review session, work
Thursday: 121S Final (too early in the morning), work
Friday: (Last) 127C Final! Not ending until 3:30, at least it's not at 8, that'd be madness.

T-shirt Design

Credit: http://binside.typepad.com/binside_tv/ryan_leslie/

They need a shirt on Threadless that says "Smartypants, hike 'em up".

Hello Winter!

It's finally 56 degrees! In Irvine! That's gotta be some sort of miracle waiting to happen, right? I'm hoping for it to rain tomorrow. It's perfect weather to be bundling up right now. 7 more days until I see the Bay!

Couverture Humide

I've been called a lot of things but how does calling someone a "wet blanket" a good thing? At home it apparently means a safe and risk-less person. No idea how that is compared to a wet blanket because I sure as hell won't feel safe under a soaked blanket. My level of spontaneity doesn't go up very high, I'll admit that. I just prefer having a plan, any plan! I'm not a 60 year old stuck in a 21 year old body. Maybe 40, but not 60.

Make-me-over

It's about time I had some sort of makeover for this poor blog. Thanks for deluxetemplates.net for the upgrade :). Now if only Blogger functioned more like a social networking site! I'd be set for sure.

Lady G over Mister B?

Our experimental psychology class just recently had a mock conference for this quarter's research groups. My project was on lexical stimuli and short term memory. As fancy schmancy as that sounds, it basically came down to lists versus sentences and how well subjects were able to recall them depending on the number of words in them. I personally wanted to do an auditory memory task but my group-mates insisted on something a little less complex. Oh well.

There was a group today that particularly stuck out and I don't mean to be nit-picky but I need to critique their project (yes, online). They too had thought of an auditory memory recall study and actually presented it to the "board". Their study was to compare snippets of classical and pop music: Lady Gaga versus Beethoven. They had about 4 subjects and gave them parts of 8 different songs. The point of the study was to focus on rhythm I believe and I found it appalling, but only because of the response I got from one of the members that gave me a quick run-through about their study.

Their results showed that subjects were more likely to remember Lady Gaga over Beethoven. This is already obvious given that Beethoven and Lady Gaga come from different eras and neither sound alike. This group assured me they had a "neutral" song but I have no idea who or what would be considered the medium for these two artists. I made a point to the group that Lady Gaga had higher accuracy of recall due to the popularity of this mainstream artist and the fact that you can definitely tell a house beat from the sounds of a piano or violin. I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just commenting. I actually thought their study would be the most interesting out of the 15 that were presented today.

One of the members of the group countered my argument and told me that subjects probably were able to remember Lady Gaga more than Beethoven "because she's more soothing" and "that her beats were more flowy". Apparently the percussion section of an orchestra scares the beejezus out of the subjects, so much that they decided to eliminate any memory of that piece altogether.

At that point I felt like I just got slapped in the face with a cold fish. When did "Poker Face" ever let a few notes legato their way through a song and lull you to sleep? My God. Lady G would be the last artist I'd seek to relax. I'd be imagining future seizures and elevated blood pressure from her music. After centuries of musical influences from these masterful minds, our generation has forgotten about them and hailed sequined, fake haired pop stars as the next Mozart.

Yes taking 10 years of piano has led me to be slightly biased, but even so, that comment was just horrific.

Giving Thanks

I'm prepared to empty old boxes and dig through closets to pack and go home in 2 days! It's so close, I can just feel the chilly 62 degree weather on my skin. I can't believe I haven't been home since August. It doesn't feel that long but I know it is.

In light of the holiday season, I really want to give back. I need to gather my used children books and donate them to the library. My clothes from middle school have better use at a homeless shelter, too. I'm going to smuggle my old goods out of the house before my mom figures it out. Our house has caught the hoarding bug for years and it needs to stop.

Here's a list of my things to be thankful for. I'll add on as I go:

1. We're near 3 years and it's been wonderful. I love you dearly.
2. For family, always there to welcome me when I come home.
3. The greatest friends I've learned to cherish over the years.
4. Finally realizing what I want to do with my life.
5. This persistent need to push myself a little further.
6. My green thumb for coming back.
7. Hugs and kisses; security
8. Having a drama-free apartment (seriously)
9. Being home and embracing 40 degree weather
10. Familiar faces and small town charm (home)
11. A warm and comforting bed
12. Holmes and Honnie for still remembering me!
    

These are the 8 that come to mind, but we'll see. I was watching this video today and it made me tear up a little. We always have something to be thankful for.

Battle of the Books

"Hey, here's a free book that'd cost you $12 at the bookstore". It's actually $4.99 on the back.

Someone on Ring Road handed me a free copy of The Origin of Species. I was greatly surprised and found the situation shady but amusing at the same time. After passing the gentleman and saw that 4 others were also doing the same thing, I laughed. These guys are trying to compete with the Bible toters and hell condemners that constantly judge students on our campus. Genius. I have nothing against Christianity, given that I'm Catholic, but some of these people with those huge signs are just too closed minded. This is fair game. It made my day.

Get a copy if you're on campus!

I Heart Abnormal Psych

I am convinced that I want to meet someone that is a savant or that has Asperger's Syndrome. That is all.

Midterms are over!

For now anyway. I have a week to breathe and then panic again. My goal to "get ahead" today did not fall through. I just needed a break. I've been here since 9:30 and class doesn't start until 2:00. I am feeling like such a girly girl. My sweater arrived in the mail today! It finally hit 65 degrees and I'm suddenly feeling nostalgic for winter back home. Insert the warm and fuzzy feelings here, here, and there. Right there. I can't wait to see everyone!

I've been smiling all day. Well, not true, but I wasn't frowning either! No worry wrinkles here :).

Behavior Modification

For every negative thing I think, write, or do, I should replace it with five things are that are incompatible with that action. And with every week, it should progress to seven or more. That's optimism on speed right there.

These two midterms are going to kill me.
80 questions = gateway to freedom to this week.
It'll let me focus on my other classes.
I'm studying right now so I'll be fine.
I have too high of a standard to let myself fail.
My sleep schedule didn't sync for nothing.

There.

Strength

I don't know what I have left in me but I know all I can do is pray and hope that my grandpa's okay. Every time I do this I feel guilty, even apologetic because I need or want something to happen. It's a selfish relationship that I have with God and it's not right. I'm in a limbo, yet I'm still here crossing my forehead, chest, and shoulders waiting for my anxieties to blow over.

I miss you!

Car-less Rant

In result of not having a car at school, I decided to take OCTA to get to my class that was north of campus (i.e. not really considered part of campus). Thinking I'd be on time by merely busing for 5 minutes and walking for 10, it ended up with me being a half hour late and a few blocks further than I expected to be at. All I have to say is public transportation and budget cuts are beginning to look like a complete nightmare. School life just got a little harder to satisfy.

In light of my transportation disaster and feeling completely stranded, I'm glad there are good people out there, especially here in Irvine. Thanks to Kris, Aness, and Elaine for helping me out today. And of course, Lewis for making my horrid day a better one!

Facebook Paranoia

I just received an email from a former TA:

"Hi All,

I am fine with you adding me on Facebook if that's your preferred way of getting help. But if you're adding me, can you state which class you're from so I know it is safe to add you? I've had situations where people were not in my class, used my Facebook to locate me, and then snuck into my apartment dressed as a dinosaur and stole my food. I just want to be safe in this crazy world. Thanks. -T. "

I wonder if that actually happened to him.

Sleep Deprivation

It doesn't really handicap you unless you have the motivation to overcome it and act on the little bit of energy you have left. My last thought after reading 40 pages from Moorcroft's Understanding Sleep and Dreaming. I dare say that your attention span is cut short for that lack of sleep; how obvious.

Instead of reading ahead for Psych 121S, I started to aimlessly search for more blogs to follow. I stumbled onto some Tumblr accounts and envy their rad layouts. Step it up Blogger! And as for a blast from the past, I went to check my LiveJournal to see if anyone's updated. Souri, my dear, you are the only active LJer I know of! At least you have She & Sou going on. C'est tres magnifique. My LiveJournal was dedicated to my "overly dramatic queen days" for sure, with some trickling of early college days. This blog is for the present and I'm sure Tumblr is going to be a future territory if I ever decide to "grow" in the virtual world.

These two entries from my Livejournal made me seriously laugh. Read here and here. At least that blog makes a good time capsule.

Mass on the Plaza

Last night is going to be one of those nights that I'm going to feel nostalgic about years from now. After weeks of endless practice at Interfaith on campus with 28 other people, we finally had our performance for our friends, families, and the guests Father JF invited from the Dioceses of Orange. I think singing (and praying) helps me reinstate my faith. There was so much love and praise last night, it was wonderful. Lewis and my mom were there! I love you guys for coming! I definitely sang my heart out. I'm going to miss UCC choir a lot. Our numbers are going to fluctuate for sure when the quarter kicks in full gear, but hopefully I can drop by a few Sundays to sing with them.

Here's a few from last night (credit to Chris Beltran):

Go Mass on the Plaza 2009!

Last Fall Quarter

It's my first day of my last fall quarter as an undergrad! This is probably over everyone else's Facebook or Twitter updates I'm sure. I've only had 2 of my 4 classes today: Sleep & dream and experimental psych. If ratemyprofessors.com could have an updated website, I'd totally join to review my professors and their classes. Yelping UC campuses-- maybe not a good idea.

Thinking about how Yelp is turning out is scary. They're bribing business owners to join Yelp so those businesses can get rid of bad reviews. I forgot what the consequences were, but the end results of "bad Yelpers" could end up like Christopher Norberg. Poor guy, it's not that I wouldn't take time out to write up a "six paragraph review" about a place, but I wouldn't want to get sued over it. I did end up in a similar situation when someone from a vet hospital contacted me and asked me to "take down my offensive review because I was discrediting the staff". Honestly, if it has to do with the HIPAA or health privacy policies, then don't let medical offices or large institutions post their business on Yelp.

Anyway, I'm off topic. So back to how my first two classes went. Sleep & dream seems like a fun class, we're only relying on one book so I hope this will lighten my workload. My professor sounds like Jimmy Fallon (as pointed out by Charles). Class ended after 30 minutes of introduction. One hour break. My next class is experimental psych, 6 units of pure terror. Just kidding, the expected workload is crazy, but I'm up for it. Our first lab is going to be on the Stroop Effect! That's going to be awesome :). Next week I'll see how child clinical psych is like and ADHD in children at the child development center, yay!

Walkout Thursday

It is unsettling to see higher education suddenly being limited due to this economy. There isn't a department on campus that hasn't been threatened by budget cuts. Everyone is being affected. I honestly thought it was a joke when I found out our tuition fees could go up by 45%. Higher education for a higher price (but with limited resources). So where's our benefit in this? We don't even know how limited it's going to be yet, the Board of Regents can do anything to make ends meet.

And don't even get me started about the job market. The demands for higher education are there, but the rewards of getting that degree are questionable. Of course nothing is always secure, but how big is your ball park of where you're going to be once you're given that diploma?

As a student, I've been working at the humanities library on campus for 2 years. Even without the budget crisis looming over our heads a few years back, we were still struggling then to compete with other schools on campus to gain some sort of recognition. If we don't stand out, why would our university want to keep us later on? You suddenly understand how serious it is when some of the staff decide to leave on their own and move out-of-state to avoid the pink slip. It is even disheartening to hear what they say now. The board plans to slowly cut back on office hours and then the staff. What else? Department by department? We make up the practicality of this university. Without us, the art of research would be diminished.

Before all of this, rumor had it that they wanted to expand us and accumulate bigger and newer resources. Now all we can do is sit and twiddle our thumbs until they rub dry.

That's just the libraries here on campus.

It worries me to ask which school on campus is worth keeping then? Fingers could automatically point to humanities or social sciences. Is there going to be another repeat of the 1990s like when the UC campuses were trying to figure out if ethnics studies was worth keeping? It was nearly 40 years ago then that when the Third World Liberation Front was fighting for such a department to exist at San Francisco State. And mind you, UC Irvine welcomed the Asian American Studies department back in 2002!

When that battle comes, which campus is going to stand against the hypothetical cut?

Right now the only campus I know of that seems active enough to go against the present conditions of our education is good ol' UC Berkeley. They have a website for crying out loud. Who is leading this walkout that's supposed to happen tomorrow? Is our campus going to do anything? I do realize, of course, that a nonviolent movement may not budge the Board of Regents with their decisions, but at least it'll make a statement. Hopefully a bold one.

Technically Untitled

After years of pouring my incessant rants and "over-140-character-Tweets" here, I realized I should have a more concrete topic or topics to write about. It just seems more professional and it should at least be more coherent anyway. I've narrowed it down to three interests: psychology, Asian American/ethnic studies, and food.

How am I going to keep up with this I do not know. Once in a while I'll have long, legitimate posts about any of those topics, but for the most part I tend to ramble on as if I'm replacing my diaries, which by the way, I've stopped writing in. I think I've lost nearly four chapters (years) of my life.

What a shame.

My Livejournal is still floating around, but having it separate from this one is like having two email addresses, you might as well forward your posts to the other blog. So that's the end of that, this might as well be an addition to my new school year's resolution and former Lenten decision: blog more subjects that are worthwhile to read.

Ah! And also spruce up my blog a little too, it's a bit dull :(.

Brownies and Carpet Cleaner

At 8:00 sharp the gardeners get started on maintaining the greenery out back. Even with my windows closed the room reverberates unholy sounds of leaf blowers and people yelling. There's some light peeking in through the blinds. I roll around for a bit and believed I was back into my REM cycle. A half hour passes and my annoying cell alarm goes off. Fumbling for the ignore option, I snooze for 10 more minutes. By 8:35 I'm mumbling into my pillow and force myself to get up knowing I'm never going to get back to sleep. Grumpy and groggy I try not to slip off the ladder. I land on my feet with a light thud and I'm off to brush my teeth.

End scene of a typical Monday morning.

Today was a little different. I actually woke up earlier than I intended to and decided to bake. Cure the Mondays and bring back that unhealthy optimism for a better day. I already baked peanut butter cookies for UCC Choir yesterday for practice and that brought smiles all around so I figured I'd spread that at the office, too. I'm in a giving kind of mood.

Brownies and M&Ms, how could you go wrong? I baked to my hearts content. While waiting for them to cool I watched some "Big Bang Theory". That just upped my mood like no other. Once the brownies were ready I wrapped them up for Lewis and my co-workers :). Same reaction and more with the brownies. If I could have a career out of keeping people happy and feel loved I'm all for it.

On a note about carpet cleaning, our apartment is finally getting the last cleaning touches it deserves! I feel like a pseudo-Monica-Gellar from "Friends". I wish I was there to help my roommate out. I'd have such a field day. And for other big news, my mom and aunt are coming to visit this weekend so I couldn't be happier! No need for that extra shot of endorphins, 'cause I made them already!

Bubble Gum

Bubble gum is going to be the new metaphor of this quarter. Cheesy and gross, right? I feel like being chewed out, shaped, and molded into this elastic heap. The other image was of a caricature of me banging my head on the desk repeatedly right now..."someone's got the case of the Mondays" everyday.

On another note, The Huffington Post wrote about how "the happiness levels of men and women are significantly different". Apparently women are less happier than men are. I'd have to agree with them, but only for today.

I feel like a Debby Downer. Where'd my optimism go?

Pseudo-phobia

I'm going to have to learn a new balancing act this year. I want to do so much and as the saying goes, "there's so little time". It's 1:06 am and I'm just sitting here. Wide awake. I want to sleep but all I can think of is the phone call I'm going to get in eight hours.

I know I have a new fear. Ever since I started cold calling office numbers, I thought I'd never be able to get a word in edgewise about how capable I am as a potential for "so-and-so company" or team. Now that the hurdle's been jumped over, my next wave of panic goes out to the actual interview!

Alright maybe it's not a new fear. Public speaking has always been at the bottom of my list of things to do. I had to get over it when my parents ushered me to my first piano recital and my teachers hammered the key tips to perfecting a presentation in front of a panel of judges. I should be over it by now. The preparations are different I suppose. Has anyone ever prepped a 3rd grader for a job interview? You'd have my vote for it being mandatory.

It just gives me a pang of anxiety right now. At least it's a phone interview.

I learned that I'm a complete statue when it comes to face-to-face interaction sometimes. I just want a tape recording of my facial expressions to see how inappropiate my face really is when I'm being interviewed. The whole interviewing process makes me feel dead inside, seriously. I almost become an inanimate object. The conversation feels too polite, cordial, even reserved. I could feel my jaw muscles tightening, a vein would pulse on the side of my head if I were a cartoon. I nod and smile, hope and pray that I don't look like I'm made of plastic. Once the 30-60 minute interview is over, my legs feel like Jell-O. I shake hands with everyone nervously and leave. Within 5 minutes I've probably smacked my forehead twice or clenched my teeth in frustration remembering what I should have said or not said during the interview.

And that's that. The painful interview is over and I get to wait. For some reason, you would think I'd be more nervous about the result of the interview. At that point, my thoughts would have had a glass half empty, half full type of philosophy. Then it all goes downhill from there. My pessimistic side tends to get the better half of me.

On that note, I think I've done enough rambling to stir up a new case of insomnia for a few nights. To bed I go.

Books vs. Movies

I've been reading Julie & Julia for the past week now and still have 30 pages left to read. I've spoiled the ending of the book by going to watch the movie today with the family. I always end up having mixed feelings when I've attempted both the book and the "major motion picture". Things get left out or are twisted into different plots and I usually vote for the book being the better of the two since it is the original. Sadly in this case, I choose the movie over the book.

Meryl Streep and Amy Adams acted wonderfully as in "Julie & Julia". The movie carved Julie Powell's story perfectly and cut out the excess obsession of how dreadful turning 30 was. I'll admit I was too thrilled turning a year older this year, but the book was constant whining for pages.

I chose to stick with the original work first before jumping into the adapation of it. Even though Julie & Julia was a national bestseller, the interest for me stopped short after the first few chapters. By the time I got through halfway I was expecting a little more depth with Julie. There are only so many food battles that will keep me giggling but the f-bombs took away from the seriousness of her story. It made me actually Google up her blog to see if her writing was any different from her book; hoping it'd be more mature and coherent.

Nearly the same. I would have voted the blog over the book.

Authentically Asian?

Lewis and I were having dinner with my dad the other night at Pho Bac Ky and I suddenly remembered something I wanted to blog about. In other appropriate words, rant.

As we were flipping through the menu there was a note added at the back: "The restaurant name Pho Bac Ky will later be changed to Photasia". The supposed authentic Vietnamese name has been slaughtered and fused into coinage.

I just found it amusing and may have taken it over the top by overanalyzing the evolution of the pho place. Having the name become fully Eurocentric would turn it into "Rice Noodle Garden" or "Asia Cafe". Separate, "non-Asian" words. Why bother having a name represent some sort of biculturalism when the menu as kept foods from one culture alive? They would never serve chicken pho and call it chicken noodle soup (with soda on the side?). That's just crazy talk.

I would agree the name has been westernized for most customers to remember, but wouldn't having such a title make it more Asian? Photasia honestly sounds like a half-hearted gimick to let westerners see an attempt at integration. You would not expect this restaurant to be marginalized. In a college friendly community with a population of at least 56% Asian students, I would expect the restaurant to be greeted with open arms. In other words, I hope Pho Bac Ky still stays true to its Vietnamese roots.

Unless the name change was a result of a chef leaving, then we'd have another problem.

21

This ritualistic ceremony that family and friends insist on having every anniversary of your birth feels like a baptism. Especially this particular year since you are finally served wine and bread (cake). Sorry fellow Catholics and Christians, I am not mocking you. It just feels like you're given a new slate every year to do something different with your life and people want to hold expectations to your name. Does that mean ringing in the New Year gives your a second chance? It could act like a head start and you can do things over again when your birthday comes around. It wouldn't really make a difference if your birthday falls on January 1st though I suppose. Of course I'm just rambling to cure the insomnia.

I am pretty sure I've written at least one post about being a year older every year since I turned ten. Big milestone, the double digits! Then being thirteen, "year of the teenager". Or turing "sweet sixteen", and later "legal eighteen"! Now twenty-one? Eh. So I'm two decades old plus one. It doesn't feel any different from any previous birthday I've ever had. I'm always going to have the same or more responsibilities, that's never going to change.

I'm hoping for the better. That's all.

Bridges

"How many Asian kids are actually considered special ed in the class? You know it's just a scam, most of them look normal to me."

Every day I try to find another reason to back up my decision for going into psychology and more so with Asian American groups. Thank God for conspiracy theorists and ignorant people. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have a reason to try and defend myself. And out of that defense, there is pride for what I want to do later on in life.

It is difficult to explain the concept of a psychologist or psychiatrist to your Asian parents. There are two phrases in Vietnamese that describe psychology: "tâm lý" and "thần kinh". One means personality or attitude while the other loosely means spiritual cognition. In our culture, it is not a science but a label or an uncontrollable phenomenon in your thoughts and actions. If psychology is such a broad term, how would you even explain to an Asian family about psychological disorders?

I had a talk with a friend of mine about the cultural issues of accepting mental health as a valid portion of treatment. She knows someone with a learning disorder and agreed with me that if the child were taken to a doctor in an Asian country, that child would not be taken to a child therapist first. Knowing that your child is not just physically unwell but also mentally unstable is unheard of. Either be normal or crazy. It's sad but true, there isn't a middle ground for that.

Of course this is not a generalization of mental health programs on an international scale, but try Googling "mental health in Asia" or "learning disorders, Asia". It barely shaves off 1% of the results that are specific enough to even give anyone an idea of its existence; albeit my search has not been narrowed down, you'll see what I mean. Look up the same words but change the location to "United States" or "America", the links change. There are organizations reaching out to help prevent or raise money for a mental health cause. The only links that pop up for Asian mental health are statistics on Asians in non-Asian countries with depression or suicide rates. If you scroll down, Google would suggest you to look up advocacy or stigmas in mental health instead. Either support it or face the consequences of shame within the family or group.

That was just a run down for Asian populations, not Asian American ones. The statement made above, was about Asian American kids. America! "The land of the free and the home of the brave." It is the hypochondriac country that I lovingly call my home, but also the nation that has led other groups to consider fine tuning broad disorders into categories and more specific names.

You would think that Asian American psychology by now would have caught on as one of the trends. Sadly it has barely been 40 years old since its birth and still has not been recognized as a serious branch of study. Groups within the Asian American population would beg to be separated from the "more prone to..." category than anything else. Disorders that settle in the median of the high and low extremes of mental illnesses are too gray to decipher as real or not. It is still an all or nothing diagnosis. Strong cultural ties are preventing a universal understanding of something more than just depression or suicide. Until it has reached a wise age of 100 or so, I would hope that Asian American psychology by then has finally made its mark.

F--- You

I cannot take pity on those that want to stay hurt or abused. I know I have to grow accustomed to the helpless and the needy but I don't have the patience. This is too tiring.

I Like Turtles

I decided not to go to work today at the preschool, it took me the longest time to go to bed this morning. I woke up and did my morning stuff then went back to bed. I ended up sleeping in until 10:30 (whoops). I finally remember a dream that I can blog about now!

I dreamt that I found a box turtle in my backyard and it somehow managed to sneak into our house. It was the size of my dad's shoe and I think it was hungry. It kept nibbling at pieces of furniture. I gave it some lettuce and it ate everything! Holmes was looking neglected because she knew I liked the other turtle better because it wasn't a picky eater. Oh Holmes. We couldn't find a proper cage for the box turtle so we just let him stay by my bed. He ended up making a home under my bed. We lost him at one point and that's when I woke up.

Not as exciting when I re-tell it, but I can assure you I was pretty excited to have two turtles in my dream. Box turtles are so cool :).

Pure Joy

It's the only emotion I see in these preschoolers when they're truly happy and I think this is the best form of therapy to de-stress. It's only been 3 weeks and I am positive that I want to work around these 'big boys and girls' in the future. I've been around people my age or older for so long I forgot what it means to be a kid. Their lives are so simple. Their emotions vary from complete glee to jealously issues based on the most basic things. When you look at them and interact with them, there emotions are on their sleeve, you won't find a hidden agenda (unless they want something). Most kids don't know what psychological games are, they're too young to realize that they're capable of. For the most part, they're the ideal stage of a human being before the scary world molds them into adults.

I can't exactly say I envy their lifestyle because you can only get so far with your "please" and "thanks yous". Their emotions are easily changed by simple bargaining and negotiation. My internship work is finally kicking in. A kid would suddenly scream because a fellow preschooler happened to be playing on the same mat as him. I would simply come in, tell the second kid to move and the first kid would happily play by himself. No grudge and all is well. Yes the screaming does make them sound like a pain but you get used to it. It's the only way they really communicate. I also noticed that kids at this age tend to play with toys by themselves. It makes me question when the "sharing stage" starts. I sure hope it's kindergarten!

My favorite moments so far:

• When Eric, who is super shy, started to babble to himself out loud (not mumble) about shapes when we played with clay; he started to recite other shapes such as pentagons and octagons.
• The twins singing about grammar rules; "When you read a comma, pause! When you read a period, wait a little!"
• Selena stopped crying when I put a bandage on her scraped knee, she hung around me for the rest of recess and wouldn't let go of my hands. I'm a human swing set.
• Ashton hiding in the classroom because he couldn't give his baby brother a cupcake. We lured him out with a purple ball that he carried around in his arms.
• Alvaro jabbering about Wall-E and Finding Nemo endlessly for 3 hours.
• Tyler bringing in his "permission slips" to class for us to sign when they're just coloring pages of Sesame Street.
  
• Eric gets pushed around on the playground and the bully is getting a time out. The bully comes back with a teacher to apologize, Eric takes one look and calls the kid "evil" and walks away.
• Fixing traffic jams on the "car track" outside when the bikes and wagons get stuck. The kids love "Red Light, Green Light.
  
• David C. screaming with delight at the sight of popped popcorn and bubbles. It's also a sight to see him after snack time, his face is always covered in yogurt or pudding.
• Having long silly conversations with Tyler because he's the only one that can hold a semi-coherent one for more than two sentences. He's fairly intelligent. I was Captain Pickle today.
  
• Learning that Katie will make up gibberish when she can't explain herself.
• Adrianna is in love with chasing after bubbles, even if she falls in the process (she just gets up and keeps on going).
• The kids obsess over the idea of camping but no one's actually gone camping.
• They call me Miss Anne or Teacher Anne...10% of the time, but the fact that I get that title sounds so official.
  

I love these kids to death and I'm afraid I'm too attached. They make my day even if I have to be up early to work with them. I'm thinking of something I can do or make for them as a goodbye present for the last week. For the teachers, too! I've just been surrounded by a great group of people and I'm glad I made that first phone call in June.

Preschooler Tongues

Me: So what else do you like besides Spider Man?
Kid #1: Two Spider Men!

I should keep track of what the kids are saying these days, especially at this age! So my summer plans have finally been met. The professional aspect anyways. An internship on a college campus and volunteer work at a preschool specializing in special education. I hope to get as much out as I can. It was only my first day for the preschool and it was amazing :).

It's June already?

It's not officially summer vacation until I pack my laptop away. That's the last item I pack whenever I fly/drive home/school. My suitcase is wide open and I still can't figure out how to cram in the usual necessities. I already folded my clothes in a few days ago but out of habit, I always repack to make sure I got everything. This is the saddest trip home. I don't want to leave. I am usually thrilled to leave the bubble known as Irvine, but there are a few exceptions. Lewis is the first of course and knowing that it's going to be a lot happier here then back in the Bay is the second. I can't exactly raise a glass of approval for this summer but "cheers to a realistic summer" anyway.

I'm going to miss you :'(.

The List (Updated)

Wow, I actually accomplished an item or two here:

1) Learn how to swim
2) Knit a whole scarf
3) Learn how to French braid properly
4) Bake bread perfectly (baguettes preferably)
5) Skateboard somewhat properly
6) Rollerblade/ice skate sufficiently
7) Maybe get another piercing (ears)
8) Ride in a hot air balloon
9) Learn how to twirl a pen/writing utensil between my fingers
10) Make a souflee/pear almond tarte
11) Double dutch jump rope
12) Learn a new instrument
13) Get a new pet (for college)
14) Build up CD collection
15) Drive the freeway (seriously, man)
16) Organize pictures and print them out
17) Scrapbook or at least finish filling up an album

And added...

18) Keep a plant alive
19) Roast a proper chicken
20) Actually mail some letters to old friends

Prayer

Please watch over her. Regardless of what she's put us through and what she's suffered, she's bound to come to her senses. Hopefully she'll realizes it this time. I can only pray. I wish I have the patience and irrational unconditional love someone else has for her. I was taught to forgive and forget, but my thoughts with her are always going to be written in stone. I have conditions, I'm not fully generous. It's almost a human sin.

Holmes

He is getting a lot bigger. I just caught him trying to climb out of his tank from his basking dock. Silly turtle. I need to get Holmes a bigger tank, he's getting bored.

Photo Hunting

I want to go have a day where we can have a picnic somewhere and take pictures until our memory cards run dry. I want to have another date with you, my darling. I love it when we're holding hands and laughing about the stupidest things because we're such kids. I miss free days. We'll take out cameras out for a trip soon, right? Pretty please! :)

Here are a few I dug up and wished the day was more agreeable so I can take my camera out from hiding.

I'm looking forward to that 3-day weekend! Irvine is a horrible bubble to be stuck in. 3 more weeks.

Insomnia Hits Once Again

I should just nickname it the IHOA syndrome. Sort of meta since insomnia is already a sleep disorder and it being frequent for the stressed is already a syndrome...whatever I'm rambling. My only two pennies for tonight are

I have a green thumb again! These are going to sprout into zinnias. Pink flowers I hope! I think I have better luck with growing things from seeds instead of caring for a fully grown plant. RIP Lorelai and Fu Man Chu. I don't know what I'm going to name these lovelies just yet.

And as for these minuscule beauties, I forgot how much I loved quail eggs. They're a lot sweeter than chicken eggs and they go great in salads, soups, you name it, it can be in there! I saw a picture of a French quail omelet and it just looked delightful. They were a good addition to a salad I had for lunch last week so I thought I'd snap a photo.

Right now I'm working 2 weeks ahead on a paper about ethnic identity and plan on blogging about "un-racing" our society today. We had a long discussion about it last night in lecture and it definitely ruffled a lot of feathers. I love classes like these.

Tsk tsk

The generations after us are all going to turn into psychopaths, not sociopaths. Psychopaths. Compulsive, sensation seekers that are going to take over when we turn old and gray. There isn't an ounce of morality left in you and traditions or taboos in our "old-fashioned" culture no longer exist. The lines between every boundary are shrinking and we are overlapping. Guilt cards aren't a way to keep the ducklings in line. If they don't feel guilt, then fear may not work either. You feel guilty in fear of some sort of consequence. There are expectations. If your actions are meant to hurt others or to purely benefit you, then guilt isn't there. We're raising a bunch of rocks. Rock solid stones.

I'm disappointed and have lost more respect in you every time I hear new things about what you've been up to.

It's May!

I also just realized that it is no longer April. When did May 4th come around? The quarter system makes it so easy for time to go by this fast. 10 weeks soon becomes 4 weeks left in the term. I have yet to blog about

• How YouTube had notified me of copyrights violation with the Lorien video I posted 3 years ago & that I could take it to court with UMG.
• The 404 is my favorite podcast because it gets me through the day.
• My thumb is turning greener because I've been able to keep my zinnias alive.
• Watson actually dying about a month ago and Holmes has grown to be about 3+ inches.
• And how grateful I should be with what I have in my life right now.

9 Mo' Years

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately. They have been a bunch of minor ones. I just hope they never come true. So last night I dreamt that there was no record of me going to elementary school. The school district gave my parents a call and said that it was a mistake for me to be in college since I didn't have proof of basic education. They tried to have me start back at 1st grade even though I was capable of acing through every task they gave me. I had a talk with the principal and he talked to me like I was 5, saying that if I keep this up, they'll just hold me back until I had to be in school for another 9 years. I also met a bully that tried to punch my mom in the face. I confronted her and chewed her out (not literally). The bully resembled someone oddly familiar. After this goose chase about trying to figure out if I was stuck in the past or not, I called it quits and saw that it was 6 am (real time). This was some sick dream because I didn't find this funny at all.

I woke up finding myself sleeping faced down and thought I had dislocated both arms and my neck. Worried that I'd injure myself staying that way, I flipped over and thankfully felt the sensation of blood rushing through those parts of me. This limbo between sleeping and not sleeping is killing me. Hence my cat-like sleeping habits.

Right Between Point A & B

I'm starting to get that tension in-between my eyes a lot more frequently. I hope I'm not going to get migraines like my mom does. Inheriting any ailments should be the least of my worries, but I'm started to be a little paranoid about how my back feels at the end of the day, or how my legs and arms tend to drop dead for a few minutes, and so on. These bones ain't what it used to be anymo'. This tweaking pain is pulsing between the pupils!

Lewis, you're right, we're too old for our age. I might just join you in curmudgeon-ing.

I'm mentally and physically so numb right now it feels like I'm on auto pilot again. My days are getting to be a routine with the same ugly hump I have to get over. School does this to you I suppose. I just want out. I went to a stress management workshop tonight for crying out loud. Not that I'm implying I'm too arrogant to seek help or to prevent real problems, I just never thought I'd find myself in one of these type of things. This is good though, I get to work more closely with the counseling center. I just wish I was on the other end, helping people instead of having to help myself.

Maybe I'll just go to sleep and practice those breathing exercises. They're actually doing me a world of good. "Breathe in for 4, hold for 7, and let go slowly for 8."

Spongebob Squarepants

Cheers to the cheery yellow square that giggles his gay little laugh. Every time I think about how much one can absorb and let the emotions and thoughts fester, I feel sick. I know I'm part of that cause and sometimes I feel the same way. Today has taught me to shrug things off and like a good friend told me, "just be diplomatic and civil about it". It's simple enough it might just work. I have never been so calm in my life about a stressful situation. Just thinking about the little sponge being squeezed out, washed, and clean again makes me want to start over. Two days of chaos just passed and now I'm ready to start a new week.

Though I know there's already some animosity and tension, I have to make the best of it. I'm so tired of trying to justify my actions, or apologize for being human. It's not worth the trouble anymore and I should just forget about how petty people are, or how certain opinions may reflect different judgments about me. What's the point in trying to brown nose when you're clearly going to hit the pavement and then get dragged around? I need to start upping my mood for better reasons and more important tasks to worry about.

This whole situation is stupid. I need to embrace how craptastic the worst in life can be. So in the wise words of Mr. Squarepants, "I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready...!"

Homogenization

Ever since I've been taking Asian American Studies courses, I've gotten to love the play on words or terms such as 'homogenization', 'heterogeneity', and 'hypenated American'. The coinage of new terms gets me wanting to dive deeper into its origins and history of how it came to be. To be honest it makes me feel like I'm giving my brain a bit of a work out trying to analyze their meanings and take a stance about whether I agree with it or not. I love debating.

It's a wonderful field and I wish there was more recognition for the humanities classes at UC Irvine. I've learned to love the writings of Maxine Hong Kingston, Lisa Lowe, and Yen Espiritu. Wonderful authors of different concepts of Asian American identities, the issues and rising trends of globalization, and so much more. Thinking about it, if I had more time, I'd go back and try to double major as an AAS major. I feel just as strongly about it as psychology, sometimes more when someone in class gets me riled up.

Today for example, we went over the concept of vertical and horizontal communities by Lisa Lowe. Vertical communities are built from the belief system passed down from many generations. It's a traditional model. Horizontal communities are based on personal experiences and shaped by a more diverse community and made into a hybrid pool of beliefs and laws. Our professor asked us when it was appropiate to create a horizontal community or to even analyze details of a vertical community. Someone raised their hand today and made a comment about how "We shouldn't allow people to study each other in a cultural context, such as ethnographies, because it might take away what that group is trying to preserve."

I got really irritated at that comment. I know I'm supposed to respect other people's opinions, but after hearing that statement, it raised a bit of my cortisol levels a notch. If she were an anthropology major, she would know that not all ethnographies are based on observing people alone. Sometimes you are supposed to blend in to get a better feel for what one's culture and daily living is like. You learn the language and customs. And hopefully by the end of the day, you've walked at least 10 miles in someone else's shoes. Sure there are different interpretations, but no one said anything about conforming to one correct form of beliefs. It's counter-productive to society if we aren't even able to create subcultures! Where would the words 'diversity' or 'hybridity' fall in?

Without studying other cultures and making our own observations about it, we're never going to be able to build alliances with different groups. I'm taking a class on Asian American psychology and it was defeating to hear that efforts to learn about other groups of people was not encouraged. We've gotten this far in all types of fields and we're just starting to find new ways to branch out even further to help those that do not identify themselves under the mainstream radar. In the case of Asian Americans seeking psychological help, they are more likely to find a therapist that understands their culture or is even remotely aware that their ethnic background is different from the typical "White American apple pie and baseball" cutout.

How can you say we shouldn't learn about other people and try and find ways to analyze them in different angles. Not everything is going to be globalized and turned into bubble gum pop or cheap imports from Vietnam. To even come close to an opportunity of learning about other cultures mean that we want to respect spectrums that are different from ours and learn more about them. No one is going to put a 'westernized' stamp on it after we're done.

Maybe this is why people fear hybrids or subcultures, they're new and not traditional...

Bandwagon

Don't you just wish that some things would be left alone and not be leaked into the mainstream culture of America? I sure do. Facebook was the first thing I wished stayed within an elite group and now it's Twitter. It used to be the indie thing to microblog about your day, hour, or minute. Yes the purpose was to let your contacts know what you're up to, but it's another thing to just rant about stuff no one really cares to hear. For example, conversations that also should take place elsewhere do not belong on Twitter. A quick "Hey where are you?" and "Oh I'm at _____." is sufficient. When did Twitter pick up the trend of Facebook wall posts and/or statuses? It's annoying, and more importantly, sometimes immature.

No one is really interested about what place you should go eat or what type of pet to buy. If you were to really care about debating an issue with someone(s), go join the Uloop website where they have forums where you can discuss politics or even the mundane topic of which pair of socks you should be wearing tomorrow. Or heck, go for the old school route and set up a chatroom with a few of your friends or peers in AIM. Just don't hang your dirty laundry in Twitter. Those of us that do respect you wish to not read the stupid comments you put up. You're flooding our Twitter pages and pretty soon, the fail whale is going to make the index page its home.

On that note, I also find it irritating that celebrities are trying to make Twitter "the new thing". It's almost as if they've discovered sliced bread and couldn't believe the invention. Get over it. You can pretty much do the same thing if you were on Facebook or were posting some blurb on your personal blog. I found it almost insulting that CNN decided to bring Ashton Kutcher to interview with Larry King about how he "won the Twitter war against CNN". You know that it's hit mainstream when everyone is going bezerk about it.

To the following celebrities: John Mayer, there's a reason why Jennifer Aniston thinks you're nuts. You constantly tweet about the most random things ever and I can only believe that 15 year old girls would want to hang onto your every word. I thought you were going to be witty so I stayed with the "follow" status. Now I'm not so sure. Greg Grunberg, you used to rant about every possible punk you've encountered, it's not a pretty side of you. Ashton Kutcher, you and your wife need to stop sweet talking over Twitter. It was cute the first few tweets, but now it's downright disgusting, leave it in the bedroom. Oprah and I'm sure many other celebrities to come, it's okay to discover something new, but please explore it first before you decide to broadcast to the world about the new fangled thing, it's unprofessional.

My love still goes out to the 404, Natalie De Conte, Ingrid Michaelson, Molly Wood, and many others. You guys still post relevant things to the world and I greatly appreciate you. Don't let Twitter die the way it's going.

Black Cloud

C'mon rain, just fall already! This week has gotten me wound up tight. It just feels like the last stretch and I don't want it to be. I'm terrified of what's going to happen after this quarter. I have a list of things I want to get done and not worry about. Thinking back, spring break was really cruel. 1 week? That's it? Such a tease, taunted by a smidge of home and freedom. And then it gets taken away just like that *snap*.

Test tomorrow, quiz Friday, two exams Monday. One last exam in 2 weeks. I can't wait. Maybe it's the stress talking or me being homesick again. I'm starting to forget what familiar faces look like. Either way, I just want to sleep everything off. I feel like a wreck today.

I miss phone calls, emails, and letters. I've been using every form of communication to be the one to keep in touch. I miss the mutuality. I'm tired of the one calling, emailing, or even texting to ask how someone's day is or how things are going for them. For once I'd like to be the receiving end of a "Hey, how are you? Sorry I haven't talked to you in a while." Maybe add a little bitterness to my post for today, too.

Free Association, GO!

How fast will I blab out sentences?

I want to join the Asian American Psychology Association.
Or maybe even the American Psychology Association.
They both want a small fee, is that really worth it?
You have to pay for your membership; not so elite.

There's a new employee in Special Collections.
Either UCI really does have a population of 50% of more of AAs,
Or our department really just likes AAs.

It is a tad warm today.
Makes me envy my friends from up north.
I hope it rains just as violently like last year.
Must go suit shopping...work clothing in general.

Open house for Southeast Asian Archives this Friday!
We're all hoping for a good turnout.
I wish people took our collections more seriously.

I know I ate 4 hours ago, but I'm still hungry.
I am craving bread bowls with hearty soup inside.
Or maybe ramen again :).

I wonder if V is still alone at the apartment.
Hopefully she won't be too bored.

This is honestly like a bulk load of tweets.
How unoriginal.

Quiet Saturday

I know how my mom feels now every time she complains about noise (or music). Silence is golden, platinum gold even. It's not even noon yet and I'm already here at the study center, reading. The only sounds that are completely soothing to me are the whirling noises of the printers and the hard drives in all the computers. Is that a little geeky? It's the only type of white noise that I don't mind listening to. Sometimes I wish I'd be able to concentrate with music on or be able to tolerate being in crowded places. Last night was unbelievably annoying. I'd have to correct myself about the last statement, I also wish I could stand obnoxious people without having the feeling of wanting to smack them in the face.

I'm just yammering on about nothing important. The idea of a bed sounds really inviting right now, maybe a sandwich, too. I have the SAEP interview in 3 hours and my anxieties are numbed right into my arms. I hate worrying and worrying about worrying. I can't just "chill out". There's tension in the temples of my forehead, neck, shoulders, everywhere. Hanging by a thread at school right now is tiring. I want something solid and concrete. Sure adaptation to change is purely natural, but can't things be consistent for a little longer?

Allergies

My throat itches so much. It might not even be my throat because part of my nasal passages also want to be relieved of this. I checked my medicine stash and I'm running low. I need to restock my supplies. I love spring, but I hate it for this. Weather in Irvine is ugly. The sun shines 80% of the time and .01% of the time, it rains. 19.99% of the time it's bipolar.

First day of class today, woke up at 8 without my alarm. I got a lot done preparing for class and now I feel like I should have dragged myself to the mini gym a few houses down to get back in shape. Maybe Friday. Going through my closet trying to find something to wear for more than an hour is unacceptable.

A Numbing Start

A nightmare about being late to class or to an exam is also waiting for me tonight when I go to bed. I'm already going over notes from last quarter and hoping I don't conk out during lecture or lab. Spring break was too short. Getting into school mode is going to kill me for the next two weeks. Not looking forward to being on campus for 12 hours. Yay for anxiety! I survived last quarter, must wish all the best for this one I suppose.

On a heavier note, coming back to the apartment yesterday was pretty depressing. I was so set on coming back to finding my turtles greeting me. Holmes begging for food while Watson is chilling at the end of the dock. Unfortunately only one turtle greeted me with awkward swims around the fake plant. Water levels were way too low, food gathered at the filter like moss on a tree, and Watson isn't moving.

It gives me chills to think about it. He was only 3 months old. When I took him and Holmes home, they were both stubborn and sick. I did everything I could to get them to eat and act natural. After a few week of attentive care, they were healthy. They grew so fast! Holmes outdid Watson on the eating and growing, but they were both doing what turtles were supposed to do: bask, eat, poop, swim, sleep, etc. I feel really guilty that I didn't take them home with me over break and allowed myself to trust someone else to take care of them. That person definitely wins a Darwin award for the neglect. I know I shouldn't point fingers because either way, Watson's gone.

Lewis and I buried him near a patch of wild flowers at Crystal Cove Beach. I've never had to bury a pet before and don't think I was ever this attached to one either. Our original plan was to throw him into the sea but we didn't want to pollute the ocean. Land was okay, too. We said a few words to our friend and put him at rest. I guess it's sort of funny to put Watson at the beach since he swam in fresh water only, but maybe in another life he'll be a sea turtle and survive greater waters. Now I just have to cross my fingers that Holmes would be able to live for another few decades.

I miss you, Watson. I never thought of you as a slow, dim-witted turtle people thought of you to be. You were the one that taught Holmes how to catch food near the filter by swimming towards it and how to bask under the lamp. You were always the calmer turtle and I felt I could be patient with you. Holmes always bullied you and I rooted for the underdog. I always hoped that you would live as long as Holmes or longer. At least now you won't be picked on by him. Rest in peace.

Spring Break

It's good to be surrounded by your loved ones. I'm enjoying my spring break this year. Things are going as planned :).

Iatrophobia

Today I had a flashback of me as a kindergartner running from the nurse and my mom at the doctor's office. I ran out of the patient room and into the lobby hoping some other kids would join me. By the time I got to escape, the nurse and my mom grabbed me by each arm and dragged me back. I cried, screamed, and kicked. Was it three shots that I had that day? I don't remember. It makes me laugh thinking about this because back then my sister and I were the screaming duo that every nurse dreaded at the doctor's office.

I had to get a checkup today and get some tests done. I just cringed in my seat thinking I had to get a needle poked into my arm. The nurse had to find a vein that apparently doesn't exist in my right arm. She wiped some rubbing alcohol on the spot and took out 6 test tubes. Really, 6? I closed my eyes shut and held my breath. That probably wasn't a good idea. She told me to relax. After a few minutes, it was over. I saw the tubes filled with red liquid and felt sort of disgusted. I had no idea it'd be that dark. I was done and walked out to the lobby finding my mom laughing at me.

Thanks, Jennifer!

You are such a sweet girl by far. I love getting letters from you and your methods of packaging has gotten a lot more creative over the years. I try to one up you every time, but you're always ahead. Thanks for the Brazilian Girls's poster, the Everclear CDs, and the few episodes of 24! You're one of the few pen pals that still write to me even though my mailing address is nonexistent. Our letter swaping reminds me of high school. Letters in bulk are actually sort of fun to read. I'll miss the anticipation of receiving your letters in my mailbox though. I'm going to get started on your next set of letters :).

A Step Back for Public Health

A friend sent me an article this morning about Pope Benedict XVI's visit to Africa. I hope Francis is aware of this. The pope made a speech about how "condoms increases the problem of AIDS". As an opening statement about public health awareness, that already set the mood for the World Health Organization to react. The director for the HIV/AIDS program acknowledged the church's encouragement for abstinence and heterosexual marriage, but even they had to criticize the pope for making such a statement.

From what I understand, Pope Benedict XVI strongly believes that it would encourage people to engage in riskier sexual behavior. Condoms have been around for a while and since their invention, there hasn't been an epidemic of higher sexual engagements. At least not to the media's knowledge. I would have to agree with the opposing statements that the pope's statement has consequences. Yes it has been a "longstanding Vatican position", but Catholics aren't saints. They are humans, too.

The pope's mission was to speak with other bishops in Africa to encourage other Christians to follow suit with another way to prevent AIDS without condoms. It makes me question what a Catholic heterosexual married couple should do then. Married homosexuals are okay, sex after marriage is okay. What happens if one has the HIV virus but cannot fulfill the rite of matrimony because they don't want to pass it on to their child? What if they acquired the virus from their mother and not from another sexual partner? What would then be appropriate?

Yes the pope's statement did not apply to non-Christians, but wouldn't saying condoms are harmful by word of mouth more likely to spread to the general public? Of course it would, especially if that statement came from a strong religious leader. Everyone is watching. His statement cannot be filtered to only one population. When people learn of this message, they will question the research and education that was meant to spread around the world for a greater cause, both religious and non-religious alike. As a professor from Oxford said, "It represents a major step backwards for global health education; entirely counter-productive."

What day is it today?

It honestly feels like a Monday. I snoozed for the first time when I had to be up at 6 today. Sluggish was not exactly the word I wanted to describe my demeanor. Anxious as hell would be fitting. So today is the day that I am officially done with my 8th quarter. I don't feel over exhilarated. I'm still sort of terrified I made it through my psych final this morning. SATs and AP tests were a good measure of how bad my test anxieties are. I haven't felt this nauseous in a while.

I usually make it a habit to take my test and still have enough time to go and double check everything before time was called. To my surprise I was one of the lonely fifteen people left in a room seated for three hundred. There are two types of people that leave early: the anxious ones that just want the test to be done or the overconfident ones that know they aced the test. I fall somewhere in the middle. Above average I hope.

I know I didn't fail because I wasn't yelling at myself (silently) that I was stupid for not studying more or for not knowing the right answer. At some point I must have taken the test and stayed on auto-pilot. I just feel really numb right now. And nauseous. 8 am finals are not a good idea. And it's too late to wish myself good luck.

"Judgment Day" is sometime next week.

Week 11

Finals as of today...two more to go and then I can go frolic around campus while I'm high on sugar. Next week is going to be my dead week, I can't wait! Hellooooo, spring break!

1. Grammar exam for Psych 146 MW? Check!
2. In-class essay for AAS 134? Check!
3. Online in-class exam for Psych 10B? I'm going to pwn you, baby! Today!
4. 65 MC for Psych 120D? I still need to study for you! *tears*
   

Class Picture

First class picture I've taken since our Lorien Hall picture freshmen year. This was a really cute idea my professor had. We got our copies after our final today.

Here's a picture of my Asian American Studies 137 class. Asian Labor ftw! :) Can you find me?

Whoops

Almost forgot to blog in here. I am 4 days behind schedule. Here's a summary:

Thursday:
Last day of classes! My friend and I were betting that people would only clap for the professors they truly liked but I suppose out of obligation and reverence, each professor got their moment of glory for those 5 minutes. I especially enjoyed my last class, Asian American Labor. Professor F.R. was adorable. She wanted to take a class picture to remember us by and for us to see how much we've changed since college. We got the senior lecture where we're set to do great things in the world. She's one of the few professors that I have a soft spot for. She's genuine, attentive to every student's needs, and is in a way, motherly. I respect that she goes out of her way to teach things differently. We're getting our copies of those photos tomorrow!

Friday:
No work or class for me so I pretty much studied. And by studied I mean skim the bindings of my books that should have been opened that morning. I recall sleeping in...

OH YEAH! This was the day that I suddenly realized I had a paper due today and scrambled for 8 hours or so. Procrastination not at its best. I'm never doing that again. I usually finish a paper days before it's due. I've never felt such bitterness for Freud before. And Freyd. This topic on repression drives me a little insane. There's a lot more I'd want to argue, but then quote searching for everything became tedious. I was 2 hours ahead when I turned in the paper *sigh of relief*.

It was late so Lewis and I decided to head over to the Spectrum to the Apple store for his headphones and possibly catch dinner at Veggie Grill. Never made it to dinner there. Everything closes too early in OC. We had high hopes for the Diamond plaza because well, it's run by Asians. Not to be racist, but they run businesses a lot different from non-Asian business owners. The ramen place was open 'til 11! Sweet, sweet ramen. I need to remember to Yelp about their eel ramen, which is what I'll do after I finish this post. We went over to the bakery and got some cream puffs and honey cake, too :). Delicious.

That was the more pleasant part of the night.

After we left the bakery we heard a woman scream bloody murder. People started to crowd and weave in and out. She was on the ground crying and yelling at this guy that I assumed to be her significant other. Some things were said and she hit him with her purse. He tried to pick her up but it looked suggestively rough. She wasn't wearing any shoes and was running away from him. At one point he ran after her and had her in a headlock. She was just screaming and crying. She kept running until no one saw them. No one did anything until Lewis called 911. He reported it and hopefully the police caught up with them. We were really scared. I know things like this happen all the time, but actually witnessing it was awful. Domestic violence is not the way to go.

Saturday/Sunday:
Actual attempt to study was a success. I plowed through so much statistics I'm down to half a lesson left! I'm not yet stressed out about finals week, but I know I'll be begging for mercy after tomorrow. Wednesday and Thursday are going to be my horrifying days. It'll be over then! I'm looking forward to going to work and reading a good book.

Watson and Holmes aren't doing too well. One has a light shell and the other has a pyramiding one. I've attempted to fix it. The cuttle bone in their tank is not doing so well. They just let it sink. At least Holmes is eating the new food. Watson seems uninterested.

Today:
Working 'til 5 today. I have all four subjects of notebooks around me and my boss just told me we don't open until 1. As my supervisor put it, "It's blissfully quiet in here." It's going to be rewarding at the end of this week, I'm looking forward to finally going home.

Generous Professor

In college I've learned to stay away from the awful, grumpy professors. Before every new quarter, I visit ratemyprofessor.com just to make sure I don't end up with someone that is truly wound up too tight. I guess people weren't kidding when they said that my writing professor would be easy-going. The TAs are even more strict that he is in this class.

For today's event, my bets are on the whiny kid that sits in the front of the class that caused my professor to email this to us: "My heart was softened by the desperate pleas in class on Tuesday. The paper is now due at 11:45pm Friday night instead of 11:59pm tomorrow night." There are few people I've met that seem too pleasant to get their feathers ruffled about anything. This professor is one of them and I suppose that's a good thing. It does make me worried when you do see them mad though.

Well this is putting a dent in my schedule! It's encouraging procrastination. Better get working before I do then!

Potential E-mails

Dear ___________,

I appreciate your reply to my email regarding my grade about my paper; however you did not address the issues I had with the paper and merely generalized me along with the 300-400 students in our class. I know I'm capable of writing a short paper about ADHD and am not incompetent about the class material. I merely questioned the only comment that was on my paper that could have caused that blemish on my score. That was dismissed and I was threatened with a lower grade if I requested an official re-grade. In the future, I'd appreciate more feedback on the only written work we're assigned in any psychology class and be treated as a university student instead of a 4th grader.

Thanks,
A.N.

Two Must-Not-Sees

Zac Efron and Miley Cyrus might as well be considered retired Disney Channel stars. Miley Cyrus especially. If you go to the Yahoo! Movies site and look at upcoming films, you will see advertisements for their new movies.

I'll make my comment first about Zac Efron, only because I found out what movie he's really going to be in and that I tried to suppress a chuckle at work today. No, he's not going to be in a High School Musical 4. If he did, Lewis and I came up with interesting plots: "High School Musical 4: Return of the 5th Year Seniors" or "HSM 4: College Edition". Think about it, Disney, the next HSM movie might just put them at the top of the box office. Well to my surprise, Zac Efron holding a basketball in the movie poster did not mean he was going to be in another HSM movie. He'll be in his own basketball movie.

This poor guy is going to be known as the actor that will always play the "basketball guy". It's funny because as his role as Troy Bolton in the first HSM movie, he complained to his coach/dad (complicated parent-child relationship!) that he didn't want to be the "basketball guy" and wanted to be someone else. In actual interviews, Zac Efron admitted to not even being able to play basketball until he was picked up as a HSM star and was trained to look like he knew how to play. This is almost as bad as Tim Allen being stuck as Santa Clause in his Christmas movies. Efron's upcoming movie "17 Again" is about a grown man that wanted to change his life again and somehow ended up in his teen years. This sounds oddly similar to plot in "The Kid", that one movie with Bruce Willis being able to get to know his inner child, played by Spencer Breslin. Hilarious how some movies and roles are being recycled.

Miley Cyrus on the other hand, has not yet broke from her role as the teen pop hit sensation "Hannah Montana" and will be starring in her very own "Hannah Montana The Movie". Go figure, right? As if this seventeen year old has nothing else to milk out of her loyal fans but to make a movie about her overblown career through the Disney company and her retired rock star dad, Billy Ray Cyrus. Might I add the title is not too creative. This reminded me of the Jonas Brothers' movie in 3-D. That just runs chills down my spine.

I no longer have respect for this once adorable, spunky twelve year old that brought in a different sort of comedy to the Disney Channel Network. She is now a watered down clone of a Disney kid star reject that has gotten wrapped up in fame and no longer has the consideration to uphold the responsibility of keeping a positive image for her young audiences, let alone the media. Yes I'm a few weeks late, or maybe even a month? That photo of her pulling her eyes out to the side to look like your typical Asian is what I'm talking about.

http://www.zap2it.com/media/photo/2009-02/44872783.jpg

Seriously, Montana? Yes we all know you were raised in the South and people there are stereotyped as ignorant and racist, but I figured the media would give you the benefit of the doubt. You don't see us dressing up like the cast of Dukes of Hazzard and putting on fake, ugly teeth while talking in a Southern twang. Adults were hopeful of your success. Kids look up to you. You have little blonde clones running around everywhere wanting to sing and act like you. Take that into account. You're either the virus that will plague the younger generations or the antibodies that will prevent their brains from being diseased by the influence of media portrayals of sex, drugs, alcohol, and in this case, racism. Your apologies to the public were not sincere and you're just as bad as these guys.

As for a little tangent that will ensue, for the lady that decided to sue the pop star for $4 billion dollars, shame on you. I'm shocked that some celebrities have the nerve to show off and act a certain way to get attention but this is just as bad. I don't understand why this woman would want to sue Hannah Montana. That doesn't even solve anything. Where is that $4 billion going to even go? Getting paid off with $4 billion dollars is not going to solve daily racial comments, civil rights violations, or even equate to a "sincere apology". It's just money. I'd rather have the girl doing community service to gain back real respect from the minority community.

Why do we pick on celebrities that do something wrong, but not other "normals" out there that do the same thing? We can dismiss the others because they outnumber us. When one well-known person does something wrong, the world falls apart. That's how our society works and it's appalling. We wag our fingers at them for being a disgrace, with intentions of negative publicity, yet any publicity is still publicity. We elevate issues such as racism to the point that they lose their significance of being criticized in the first place. This is why you get comments like "Asians need to just get tougher skin" or "Lighten up, we all make jokes about other people"; it's acceptable because other people do it and it's okay. Beliefs like that encouraged a Holocaust to clean out for a "pure race" and for Skin Heads in Europe to survive and brainwash youths to attack minorities while the rest of the world remained silent and ignorant. Nothing just erupts out into chaos, it has to be built up.

Keep in mind though, because of strong beliefs of discrimination, it also motivated the Civil Rights Movement for people to defend themselves and change the nation's laws and sense of morality. So unless Ms. Cyrus and many others have done their homework about the histories of the many immigrants that have come here to the United States and has indeed sincerely felt the utmost guilt for even thinking of pulling their eyes sideways to make a statement, then yeah, I'll take their apology. Until then, our generation and many others to follow are going to be stuck in this unfortunate cycle.

Nocturnal Benefits

A few studies have said that we are able to live on 4 hours of sleep through the Uberman Sleep Schedule. Polyphasic sleep they call it. You're supposed to take 20-30 minute naps around the clock every 4 hours. I would somewhat consider this experiment for the summer, but I know I wouldn't be able to keep the habit up and screw up my sleeping habits to the core. I've been a minor insomniac before, no need for it to be a long-term issue.

I do wonder if I pushed my boundaries a bit more and attempted evening classes, would I be able to survive taking on 20 units next quarter? There are absolutely too many things I want to do and accomplish every time I have a chance to start fresh every quarter. Most it contributes to the school's student checklist for classes. Every check mark I make becomes a gold star and my determination to finish as soon as possible (or on time) heightens the motivation.

In my head it constantly rings, "Two more classes to finish the minor, a handful more to finish the major! Get the degree and I'll be greeted with a different form of freedom." I need to start writing a pros and cons list for the classes and activities I want to take up next quarter. I crave acts of fulfillment a bit too often.

I need to figure out which I should sacrifice...

• Psychology of Statistics (sequence class, need to finish)
  
• Asian American 101 (last major class for minor)
  
• Asian American Public Health (best of both worlds)
  
• Asian American Psychology (best of both worlds)
  
• Social Science 3A (last class for breadth)
  
• Psychology of Violence (good professor)
  
• JumpStart Program with UCI Social Sciences and Education

I'm really only taking two classes that I need for sure (statistics and 3A), wait-listed for another I also need (101), and want to decide on 1-2 more classes. Which? I wish these classes were available during the day. I'll wake up at 6 just to go to an 8 o'clock class just to avoid a class that lasts till 9:50 PM!