Not There Yet

There are so many approaches I want to take to get through to you. Sometimes it's like talking to a brick wall. Other times it seems like you're trying to rebel by not listening, but I'd like to think that you can hear me. No matter how many phone calls, emails, MySpace messages or heart-to-hearts we have, the things I really want you to understand will never get through.

As much as I like to hear your laugh and giggle over stupid jokes or how your day went, that doesn't mean I don't want to talk about other things. Future shopping trips, afternoons dedicated for baking, or how stupid boys are, that's all we jabber about whenever we're on good terms. When I want to talk about serious stuff, you automatically turn off and act as if you can't respond. If you can still still physically hear me, you act as if you can't understand. Thing is, you don't want to understand. I know you're capable of actually doing the opposite, you're smart enough. I can't be around you unless you want me around. If I piss you off, I'm on your worst hit list. Give it a few days or weeks and I'm back to being on the okay list.

I can't get past telling you that I'm proud of you or that I love you because once I give the positive opening sentence, you're already expecting me to be serious and you change subjects. Your best shot at handling our conversations would be keeping them brief and short. No confrontation. You assure me you're fine, that you can handle it. You don't seem at ease once you pour everything out and it's looking back at you. You're hoping you don't have to deal with it anymore because it's a thorn at your side. I try to help, but once I attempt to tackle the reasons of what's going on, you shut down.

I'm starting to analyze you too much, isn't it? At least that's what you say. I know you feel uncomfortable when people try to understand you because that means you're easier to figure out for a 'complicated person'. Once the world figures out who and what you really are, there's nothing else to hide. Is that it?