Deja Vu

I could really use a good laugh right now. It's not entirely a bad day, but it's just one of those days that you'd rather not have. About halfway into Week 8 and on, the days seem to get more stressful. The thought of papers and exams never fail to make me cringe a bit and want to crawl into a corner and rock myself while I hum 'Mary Had A Little Lamb'. It's easy to get into feeling incompetent and pathetically depressed.

This quarter has taught me a great deal about my major and somewhere in the back of my mind, it still nags me. It asks me these questions with gray areas about how I would handle certain situations if I were to work in this field, how my interpretations of other people's work could affect my work, etc. When I'm making an argument it seems coherent in my head but when verbally put it's what ICS majors will call the 'infinite loop'. It's plausible that I'm bound to repeat the same mistakes and slowly dig a deeper hole for myself.

It seems like if I can't fully get through one basic class, then I have to ask myself what the heck I'm doing. If I can't even properly explain myself on 6-8 pages of paper, what am I going to do when the time comes for a dissertation that is bound to be 20 pages or more on a topic that I'm passionate about? The time, dedication, and emotions I have will back me up, right?

I feel like I'm so screwed. At this point, you can't even say that because it's too late.

So my reoccurring nightmares of HumCORE and mediocre high school English classes have finally come true. It has bitten back during the last stretch and now all I can do is twiddle my thumbs before going to the TA's office hours tomorrow. This is supposed to be a simple task. I'm not as terrified of public speaking anymore, but now I have to overcome the fear of being judged word for word on paper.